Just had a big clash with my mother

My mother never was really interested to learn about me or adult ADHD. At least thats what it felt to me.
Tonight she tried again, like so many times before, to tell me i had to try “this specific job education”, because it is easy, fast, and i have SOMETHING in my portfolio. (sturggling to get a uni degree for 8 years now). After that i snapped, called her (we wrote whatsapp until then), and told her everything i felt about her. How i felt like she never really supported me as a person from a certain point onwards (they first 10-14 years were okayish i guess… i’m 27 now), and that i am baffled by her unwillingness to learn.
She usually says things like:“It’s not true that you can’t do that. Just get your act together. I know you can do this. You have to do this, and it’s not about what you want or not, because it’s to late for that.”

EDIT. She also told me that i probably just forgot everything she has ever done for me, since i feel like she didnt.

She also told me, that she dosent wanna read anything in english, because that would take way longer than german, and that she found it very arrogant of me to only send her english source material. As if i only wanted to demonstrate my superiority through my “knwoledge” of english. Also she is to old to be a “video person” so i shouldnt send her all those videos that talk about ADHD. She cant and wont watch those. And that wont ever change."
In my perception she pretty much told me, she is not willing to put in any work (wich i suspected often in the past, but i always wanted to try to have anything remotely similar to a good relationship with my mother), and thinks it is my duty to change myself to be a better person, not seeking excuses everywhere, etc.
Than i snapped again. In the past i thought a lot about cutting the ropes to her, but tonight i pulled the trigger. I told her that these were the last words she’ll ever hear me talking, and that i don’t want to talk to her again. Then i cancled the call. I know this was very harsh, and might be considerd a badly controlled impuls out of frustration, fear and anger.

Afterwards i talked to my dad (on the phone) about what happend. They are seperated for a few years now. He was very understanding of me, told me it’s typical for my mother to be unable to be empethatic for other pople on an emotional level. He also thoguth that my “cutting the ropes” was very harsh, and i can’t be certain i wanna keep it that way. (wich to be fair is true).
But even after that, i feel like i gave her and me enough chances to work in my life. Im sick of it. Im sick of her. And i think this women is toxic for me, and my development in the future.

But also there is that voice lingering. Her voice. That tells me i am to slow, i still have no degree for anything with 27, and i have to get my act together.

And i dont know what is true and what is not. I’d really much appreciate your guyses(eseseses) input.
Am i wrong? Am i right? 50/50? I know that this is very little information to jdudge the situation on, but i feel like it gives a good overview of everything.
So… some words from yall might be really helpful to me…

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I stopped contacting my father for about 2 years. It made my life a lot easier. The contact we have now is much healthier as I am more aware of my boundaries above him.

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Your dad’s assessment is similar to mine. He validated that you are recognizing a real problem in your relationship with your mother but that your reaction in the moment may or may not be the best choice going forward. It’s probably important to take time when you’re a little farther out of the situation to think it over.

Because of the strong emotions you would be more likely to overlook the positive things she has done, but it’s a question of how big those positives are and how they balance out with the negatives. Some people for their wellbeing do have to cut off contact with family members. And other people cut off contact because of a fight while the person and the relationship contained many good things. Your situation could be either one and my guess so far is that it’s somewhere in between, but you’ve got a lot of past interactions with your mom to try to figure out which it is.

You know what the pattern of the problem is and you’ve gotten some resistance to your previous attempts to improve it. There might be different routes to improve it that haven’t been tried. Your mom might be open to text-based resources in German, if you can find those or if you can translate English ones into German. Her comments about English and videos could be her expressing in a defensive way that she’s struggling to learn about the thing that you are asking her to. I don’t know if that’s the case, but it’s a possibility.

A lot of the things you paraphrase reflect the “just try harder” belief. It’s a really common one that many people have been taught their whole life and it’s possible that your mother has good desires and good intentions but because of that belief is hurting you and giving bad advice even though she does care and is trying to help based on the model she was taught. Again, I don’t know if that’s the case, just that it’s a possibility.

Whether you want to continue to be in contact with her is a complicated question, but I believe boundaries are healthy for all relationships, so I’d recommend those either way.

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Phew! A lot of familiar stuff in here.

Maybe you overreacted, maybe you didn’t. Either way, you reacted to something real, and if you feel that your mother’s “just try harder” and “stop making excuses” routine is setting you back rather than inspiring you to lead a totally fulfilled successful life she without a doubt intended for you, then maybe she needed to be reminded of the damage she’s been doing.

I’ve had similar conversations with my mother. I just stopped adressing the topic at some point because no good came of it, just a lot of passive-aggressive baloney about the respect I owe and all the stuff she’s been putting up with etc. Looking back at the years before my diagnosis (I’m a late bloomer, having only been diagnoses quite recently at age 48), there were a lot of oinstances when I tried to set boundaries within the families in order to get to do stuff my way, or when I failed to meet some expectation or other because I wasn’t even aware that it was expected, and I probably should have been harsher at times about doing things my way. But I’m a generally friendly and non-confrontational person and it’s against my nature to push through that kind of stuff.

Anyway, even if you did maybe overreact, family is family, and there’s always a way back in the long run. Just make sure you don’t sell yourself short. If she doesn’t want to deal with ADHD sources, okay, that’s her prerogative. But she has a choice to respect your needs or ignore them. To support you or to set you back. Not as a brain, as a son. (Or she can join in the great German tradition of avoiding touchy topics altogether at family gatherings but at least not bother you about it.) She doesn’t even have to come around to your way of thinking, just respect that it’s not hers and probably won’t be anytme soon.

If she can’t do even as little as that, I guess a little distance can be a good thing. But keep sending cards for birthdays and stuff. It’s a pretty good olive branch, and it might help her not take your distance too personally.

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