Keeping it together at school but not at home

My 3rd grader brain is currently in the testing phase. I’m having trouble getting her teacher to believe she has any problems and to fill out the paperwork requested by our Psychologist to finish the testing. At school she is “perfect” and a “joy to have around”. She doesn’t show her stress and the teacher has actually told me I don’t know what I’m talking about because she “doesn’t stress at school”. The problem is she really DOES stress at school but hides it and all her other struggles. Then when she gets home she meltsdown and unloads because she is so exhausted from staying “perfect” (her requirement of herself - not mine) at school.

My questions are these:

Is this common? If so, is there information to share with the teacher to help her understand my kiddo really is struggling and needs help?

Is this going to hinder the testing process? I don’t want her to miss out on the help she desperately needs.

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I mean, maybe the teacher is trying to avoid extra work, but I’m not sure why that’s acceptable. She probably knows that if your child gets a diagnosis it will create some more work for her, but that’s her JOB. For the moment she just has to answer some questions. If she answers them that she doesn’t observe any of the things the paperwork asks about, then fine. But if your doctor is asking for this information she should not be refusing to give it because of her opinion on the matter. If you think sharing your child’s struggles at home will help her understand, then tell her. You might also tell her that she is not a medical professional and you aren’t asking her permission to have your child tested, just her cooperation. And if she refuses to give it then speak with the principal. Personally I would be really angry at her temerity, but I have emotional regulation issues like lots of other Brains do.

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My eldest child was like that most days, not just for tests. I always felt like he used up all his good behaviour energy at school. I have no idea if he is a fellow brain, he might be, and he thinks he might be. He’s in his twenties now.

At the time, I decided to take it as a compliment that he felt safe at home and could let his guard drop.

I know it’s fairly common for ASD children to do this, sorry, I don’t know about ADHD children.

Is your daughter more inattentive than hyperactive?

Ok I’m part of the tribe of the traveling brains and I’m a teacher…

  1. Yea getting exhausted and overwhelmed at the end of the day trying to manage everything is totally ADHD

And B) all that teacher has to do is fill out paperwork? Filling out paperwork is what we do all day long. Maybe that teacher is not strong enough to stop, think about the questions, and put words on paper.


I know my kid is a lot better at school then he is at home. I think it’s a parent kid thing.

I have my answer for the first question, first I’ll introduce myself.

My names Kelsey and I’m on the first year of high school. I have ADHD (inattentive), situational depression, anxiety, OCD, SPD and verrryy low self esteem, ANY WAY IM GETTING CARRIED AWAY

So pretty much, I do the same thing. My parents are separated so if both of them are working I’m home alone. Once they leave I usually curl up on my bed/couch and start having a mental breakdown… yay… so pretty much I think it’s not a good or normal thing, and maybe you should have a talk to her and see if anything else is going on, and consider maybe start taking her to a school counsellor if her school had one.

And about the teacher… my mother is kinda like this…
When we had the ADHD diagnosis, my physiatrist made me, my mum, and my dad fill out a survey/test stating what I do or how I act at home and in social situations such as school, friends, ect. My father and I filled them out there but my mother took hers home to do. I was at hers that day and I say her sheet filled out on the draw, so I decided to look at what she did. She did the opposite of what was happening. One that stood out was: “Positive and Optimistic- 2 out of 3. The thing that infuriated me about this was how she always told me how negative and depressing I’m being, when I can just be happy, and I’m choosing to be depressed.

The next week the physiatrist compared the results, and they were just how I had expected. My dad and I had the same results, what was actually happening, my mum… not so… my physiatrist wasn’t very shocked as we had told her before hand that my mum would do this, and she went on with the diagnosis.

In the end, we read through the symptoms and it was clear to everyone, including my mum, that I definitely had inattentive ADHD. To this day I’m still told I can do better and I should be getting better grades, even though I’m passing. And I always forget the simplest tasks.

So I think you should talk to her teacher and even though she/he might not see it or believe you at first, go through the symptoms with him/her and they might end up seeing a problem, and might be able to adapt leading situations to suit your child better.

You probably won’t take advice from a 12 year old, but I just wanted to try to help,

Thanks for reading,

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Don’t put yourself down, Kelsey: I personally find it really helpful to hear from a 12 year old Brain. I was one myself once, but that was quite a long time ago and I suspect that I don’t remember everything about being 12. Not that we’re all the same, but still. Different perspectives are always a good thing, in my view.

Thanks lust for life, have a good day (or night) where ever you are!