Life is an Adventure! (...or: Change Happens)

(The topic heading is a nod to the old Rocky and Bullwinkle Show, in which the narrator always gave two equally hilarious titles.)

So, I’m in the middle of my big cross-country move.

To recap:

  • My wife divorced me and moved from Idaho to upstate New York (this is the first time I’ve mentioned the specific states… I’ve been hesitant to do so before, but I’m not feeling as hesitant than I used to be.)
  • We have shared custody of our two younger kids (currently both under 10 y.o.), and they are the reason for my move, because I’d rather have custody of them every other week than every few months.

After being apart from my kids for over three months, I know I made the right decision (for my sake, because I miss them so much, and for their benefit).


Anyway, back to the adventure post…

I decided to make the journey into a memorable experience. I packed all my belongings (after selling, giving away, or throwing away anything I could do without). All my remaining possessions are packed in my minivan (and in a cargo bag on the roof rack). Instead of racing across the states in 3 days, I’m taking a more sane 5 days to cross the country.

I’m visiting states I’ve never been to before, and seeing sights I’ve never seen in person (Yellowstone was beautiful, and Old Faithful was amazing to watch), and stopping to visit an old friend (who had moved to Missouri a few years back) along the way! I’m buying postcards, and sending some ahead to my younger kids, and some behind to my grandkids (who are the same ages as my younger kids).

I figured, if I have to make a change in how I live my life, I’ll do it on my terms.

(It’s costing me half my meager retirement savings from my former underpaid university IT job. If I’d left it in the retirement system, it would have been just a meager monthly amount anyway. I’m planning to take the rest and try to put it towards work training, so I can increase my income… I’ve already used a little to sign up for ADHD coaching!)

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hurrah!

also, i’m sure the kids are loving the postcards.

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It sounds like the premise of a good movie! Enjoy the ride!

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I’m driving on a busy highway in the Midwest at night time, and I realize I’ve slipped into hyperfocus. For each minute on the clock, it feels like 5 to 10 minutes for me. I wish I knew how to switch back into regular time.


UPDATE (over an hour later…)

  • I’m sure it was part novelty from being in a new area, part adrenaline from driving in such crazy traffic, and part dopamine cuz… I’M GONNA BE BACK WITH MY KIDS TOMORROW!!!
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So sane, to take your time, enjoy the journey after what I’m sure was harrowing packing up and downsizing your life! Also New York seems like a really nice place to live, but colder and more expensive i guessing?

Also, retraining! Great ide, there’s surely still work in I.t, networking systems still seem to be the big thing, but what do I know? Coders are what we are always looking for. People that can build the solutions.

Today I left my bag in my car, had to go back and get it. But reminded myself to stop, sit, take a breath before doing the next thing. Something I’m learning to do more in the real world so I don’t burn out like… shopping for two hours! Sit down, have a meal. It’s making me much less cranky.

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YAY!!!

i am so happy for all of you.

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So brave that you follow your gut feeling and move. I send you my warmest wishes and strength for the new start. So good that you soon can “be bothered” and loved by your kids. I actually lived in New York for some month in my twentieth and I took a road trip to Colorado. So I have at least an idea of part of your tour while sitting here in Europe. Hope you accommodate soon, you will keep us informed :slight_smile:

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Hope you’ve made it, I’m sure there’s an emotional crash after such a big journey, new state, new life. It’s pretty scary. But we are here for you!

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Thank you all!

It’s great to be back together with my kids. Things are going well. We are staying in Airbnb houses through the end of next week, at least.

My to-do list after arriving included the following:

  • Get a storage unit for the month (so I could unload my car)
  • Find a house or apartment to rent for the next year
  • Apply for jobs (remote work, preferred)

First to-do is checked off. It took a couple of days for me to find a storage unit in this new area. (Most storage places here are full. I lucked out and called one place just as someone was moving out. It’s several towns away, but nearly centered in my house hunting territory.)

I’ve only had a tour of one rental house so far, and the landlord hasn’t had it cleaned. It’s in sad shape, so I can’t move my kids into that place. I’ll keep looking.

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Well, the elation of being back with my kids has come down a bit. I’m still very happy to be back with them, but my stress levels had been rising.

I thought it would be easier to get a place to rent. I finally got a tour of a second home, which was in much better condition than the first, and is lower rent. (It also has a fenced backyard for the kids, and is in a neighborhood where there might be other kids for them to play with.)

I don’t have a new job yet, so I’m in a Catch-22 situation at the moment about job and home. I have to work remotely so I can be home with my kids, so I need consistent Internet. I can’t set that up until I have a home to live in, but landlords want a tenant who has a job already. I still have money in my bank account, but this move has already been more expensive than I expected.

I’ve even offered to pay 6 months rent up-front! I know that landlords have to be selective about who they rent to, because their ability to earn an income is on the line.

I guess I’m just getting nervous because the process is taking so long.

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Congrats on being back with your children! Hopefully, the travel was full of experiences and memories!
If there is another positive outlook that stems from this (being in IT myself), it can be pretty easy for us to find work. It isn’t always the greatest, but everybody needs us - haha!

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I hope the rental situation is sorting itself out? Finding a place big enough for you and the kids makes it much harder, you have to please them you always want to impress them.

But just remember bring a great dad doesn’t come with a price tag, spending time, listening to them, creating new experiences together are what matters.

my single mum friend is genius at finding free or cheap ways to force her teenage kids to spend time together on the weeks she has them, cooking together, going yo the beach, making are projects…

I hope things settle for you soon. Life is tough when you move city…. Everything is that little bit harder.

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Got into a good house. It has a fenced backyard. There is one plumbing issue with it that I’ll need fixed. It’s definitely big enough for me and the kids

I still need to get a job. I’m struggling to get myself to put in job applications. I look at job postings, pick the ones that look like a good fit, and then stop to do something else (cooking, cleaning, dishes, take the kids to a park, etc).

I have good intentions, but don’t get to that point of actually submitting my resume or filling out an application. I’m getting very frustrated with myself over this. It’s become a “wall of awful”, even though I know how to do this and it hasn’t been so hard in the past.

@j_d_aengus

My friend -

Just found your post . . .

Sorry to hear that you have so much struggle in your life right now!

You’ve had better moments for sure . . .

But you are a determined :brain: . . . You don’t give up!

And I am certain that I speak for all the :brain::brain::brain::brain::brain: here when I say:

                                We won't give up on you!

Barry

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I know you won’t, which is why I feel so much a part of this community!

Thank you for being my friend, Barry!

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Do you have someone that can do it with you? Even if they’re on the phone just to help you with tips of things to say.

The ones I hate doing have those questions where you have to basically write an essay, I forget what they’re called. I definitely needed help, atleast the first time. My friends would talk me through….

Good luck!

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I think you mean a “body double” (or maybe a career coach, or something like that).

I enrolled in the ADHD reWired
Coaching & Accountability group. https://www.adhdrewired.com/arc/

It includes trial membership in their “Adult Study Hall”. AdultStudyHall - ADHD reWired

I need to use it. In 2nd week of a 10 week program, but I guess I’ve been distracted by:

  • Self doubt
  • Time blindness
  • Hyperfocusing on my kids’ & my needs in the moment, while turning a blind eye to my ongoing income needs

As I know about myself, as Jessica says in her videos, as all the ADHD reWired coaches also say: getting started is the hardest part.


One positive thing I’ve done is decided to apply for a job I’ve seen as a “stretch goal”. I like the organization, and I like the position description. I know that I’m not as qualified as the job posting is asking for, but I know I can do it. The job has been posted for at least 3 months, which tells me they haven’t found the right candidate yet. So, I’m going to put in for it.

(The title is “Director of Product Development”, and the organization makes helpful videos, podcasts, and web articles. The director would be responsible for a team of people and have experience wish UX - User Experience. I’ve done both, but at a low level when I worked at a university computer help desk. But, what I’ve neglected is other supervisory, creative, and UX-related training & experience I’ve had. So, really I’m more qualified than I was giving myself credit for.)

Sounds like a great opportunity! You just have to keep reaching.

I don’t call it body doubling cos thst sounds creepy and usually my friends get something out of it too… by friends I mean colleagues, i have few friends that would sit through that with me!

Together is always easier than alone! Good luck with the plumbingbyoo

Yeah, I’ve thought so, too. It brings up images like “Invasion of the Body Snatchers” :joy:

I guess “accountability partner” is a much less creepy sounding term.

Hang in there @j_d_aengus! No harm in shooting for a job where you are “not qualified” enough. When I was doing contract work I often got away with that by talking a good game in the initial interview but then working as hard as needed to deliver quality work. I found that often the interviewers know only enough to “kick tires” as it were. As long as you demonstrate competence, have a good track record, can talk intelligently about the subject matter and think on your feet, that is more than half the battle.

Don’t let the self-doubts or any other such thing sabotage you. We can handle most everything thrown at us; we just have to keep reminding ourselves of that!

I would definitely recommend use of apps like LogSeq – you can use it for getting organized, your task list, links to various useful sites, your own notes, daily journal etc. [Of course, the danger is learning the app itself can become a rabbit hole but the idea is you are in a new place and that is a good time to start new habits that can help you]

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