Medicated at six and scared since

I was medicated at 6 years old I have been on Adderall, Ritalin, Daytrana, Vyvanses, Strattera I believe in that order ending around 18 or 19. I am now 24 years old and up in till now I have fiercely refused to go back on medication. Because to put it plainly it messed me up. The only reason I am going back on it now is because Corina 19 has so disturbed my routine and life I have no other option. I am however terrified of A.D.H.D medication for several reason because of my past experiences as a child and because I am worried about neurological imprinting because I am still young and was on drugs for years. I am so scared of being back on Adderall and I have tried explaining my fears to my parents and therapist but they don’t understand. That’s why I am posting this here for people who have been on this medication in hopes some one might understand my fears.
My experience with medication from six to eighteen was confusing and scary. I was trying to learn about the world and myself at those young ages and the vessel that I perceived the world through kept changing. My self and actions kept changing from prescription and withdraw. The side effects weren’t explained to me or well monitored. I just had to suffer through my medication that’s hard to do and understand when you’re in elementary school. I also wasn’t given a choice to be on the meds I get punished if I didn’t take it. If I was mad, scared, or hurt the first thing my parents would say is did you take your meds? I can’t begin to explain how that messed me up emotionally. When I got off the meds as an adult It was a relief. I knew who I was for sure for the first time since I was six. Good, bad or the ugly it was me it wasn’t pills. My body looked the way it did because I was born that way. I felt the way I felt because I was born that way. I thought the way I thought because I was born that way. I hadn’t had that since I was six. I went throw childhood and puberty never knowing myself. If I was sad, I had to worry is that me or are my meds making me depressed? If I was skinny is that me or are my meds suppressing my appetite? My whole childhood and adolescent I didn’t know if it was me or the meds. I wasn’t even consciously aware of the symptoms being symptoms till 10 or 11. I would think as an elementary schooler it was normal to have heart palpitations and to see your ribs because of how skinny I was. When I didn’t think it was normal, I thought I was a freak or bad or just scared about what was happing to me. An example of feeling bad or thinking about myself as a freak is when I would withdraw from my stimulate meds on the weekends when I was eight years old. My mood would change I would be cranky and moody and people would not want to be around me. I didn’t even know it was withdrawn then since no one told me. I didn’t learn about withdraw till I was 15 when I was on non stimulates. The non-stimulate withdraw was the worst. I had my one and only mood swing at 17 on one of the non stimulates. I don’t really know what to call the first emotional wave of the mood swing the best I can do is rage and sadness beyond control. Under the first wave I threaten to strand my 14-year-old sister in a parking lot by thrown the keys down and threating to walk home without her since she disagreed with me on something miner. I have never done something like that before or since. Thankfully my sister talked me back to the car but I was still emotional beyond my own control. I then relies this is a symptom of withdraw and began begging my sister for help since I am out of my own control. My 14-year-old sister couldn’t handle the current situation let alone help me she just cried and looked at me terrified. I did not calm down but find some inner strength to hold her and stop asking her for help. I then had to drive us home but my mood up swings and I began manically laughing the entire way home still beyond my control. When I got us home my sister bolted and I received no help from my family and could not reach my physiatrist, therapist, and 911 is expensive so that’s out. I had to come out of that mood swing alone in front of my TV while my family cowered downstairs. My sister was traumatized by that event and so was I but what I hate the most was my sister being scared of me when I was taking those meds. I also had suicidal thoughts on non stimulates to thankful I was 18 then and had gotten better at telling meds from me and got off them quickly but still scary. I could go on and on about my messed-up childhood on meds. But in summary I am scared of A.D.H.D medication not because of stigma but because of my upbringing on it. I have real fears and real bad traumatizing experiences from a young age. No one around me understands these experiences and fears since they have never had to go throw them. I am hoping some one on how to A.D.H.D forums understand this can talk to me about fears of medication.
BTW
• I am not against the use of A.D.H.D medication I belief it depends on each person and what age they are and severity of symptoms. This is just my experience and my relationship with the medication this is not everyone.
• This is the first draft. I have dyslexia and this alone took me two hours to write a more organized and structured post is to come.

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This is my worst nightmare… I am so sorry you had to go through that. I don’t have any advice, but I hope you find peace/answers soon… we’re rooting for you :blush:

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It takes me about an hour to post something like this if not longer

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Hi @lastminutewonder,

I love your name! Firstly I want to say that I thought your post was incredibly clear and I understood the structure (no need for a rewrite in my opinion :slightly_smiling_face:). They same might not be true for my reply but I will do my best.

I don’t think that anyone who has not been on ADHD medication (or medication meant to change your brain chemistry) can ever truly understand how it feels. The questioning of: is this really me? Is … I don’t even know the words, but some days it feels all-consuming. It’s scary.
I’m so sorry that you had a difficult experience on medication and it makes complete sense that you are scared of going back on it, especially as you feel that you don’t have an option.

I hate when people assume that because you are feeling emotions and showing them it is because you haven’t taken your medication. It’s infuriating and so hurtful. I used to get this when I was happy and chatty which would bring me back down with a wack.

Althought we started taking medication at the same age my experience differs quite a bit. I am lucky that my mother, doctor and teacher took the time to talk to me about medication. I was told why I was taking it, asked how I felt, told that if I didn’t feel like myself that that was not okay and that I should tell an adult. I think that this support protected me in a way. I’m sorry that you didn’t have one. It makes me angry when people think that you take the pills and then it’s all okay. It’s not. You need people around you, offering support and checking up on you. It’s not an easy fix but it can be part of a solution (I’m not sure I’m making sense anymore).

I have some experience with what you describe as mood swings, expect mine are one directional, down. I sprial into anger, lose control of myself, don’t really know what I’m doing or saying and end up crying on the floor overcome with shame. It’s terrifying both for the person it’s happening to but also for the people around you. After a particularly bad one I summoned the courage to talk to my parents about it and discussed how they should react if it happens again. This really helped put my mind at ease because I know that they understand how scared I am and what they should do.

My advice for medication is:

  • Talk to professionals about your concerns. I know that it’s not easy but even if they can’t understand they can listen and take you seriously. If they don’t they might not be the right person.

  • Keep a medication diary. This is something my psychiatrist encouraged me to do. Write down what you took (medication and dosage) and how you feel. List your symptoms and side effects. It helped me get a better understanding of how my medication was affecting me.

  • remember that you can always stop. If you don’t like how you feel on it, you don’t have to take it anymore. A very nice doctor once told my mother that if my medication changed my personality, it wasn’t the right one for me. Don’t be afraid to tell somone if you don’t feel right on medication. I think it is a valid reason to stop or change medication.

I have just noticed that this tread is really quite old but I’m going to post it anyway because it took me so long :smile:.

I hope you are doing well lastminutewonder.

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