My relationship with my wife is fading fast. And it’s killing me. We met online nearly 17 years ago, became friends, and eventually more. At the time, I was involved in a lot of risky sexual behavior. One night stands, people I met online, etc. Really messed up, I Know. She had just lost her husband to cancer when we met and she had a nearly 3 year old daughter. She seemed to have her life together at 20, and I had no clue at 21 what the hell I was doing. She wasn’t ready for a relationship then, so I said I’d wait because I loved her. A few months later, I slept with someone else I met online. She found out shortly after and I lied and lied and lied some more before finally admitting to it. I couldn’t even explain why I did it. I loved her after all. She of course retaliated immediately. Found a random guy online, he came over, they went into her room, and I cried in the other. That may have been the last time I really truly cried. Then came years of sexual online conversations. I always got caught at some point, followed by more lies and fights and still no idea why I would do these things.
I finally straightened up. I was happy and things were going great. I wasn’t doing all the horrible online stuff anymore. I made a grand marriage proposal and she said yes. It was amazing. We set a date for 15 months out and began preparing. Then something bad happened.
See, before we met, she had a really good weekend with another guy. He was tall and really great at sex. Best weekend of her life basically. But she chose to let him go, and got me instead. I heard the same story of this weekend many times.
Well, about halfway through our engagement, she mentioned his name. And me, being the sarcastic dumbass that I am said, “sounds like you’re still hung up on the guy.”
A few days later, she’s on the phone with him, having long conversations. Umm, wtf is happening here? Next thing I know, she’s in a hotel with the guy for the weekend. I’m devastated. This may have been the last time I cried. She comes home, tells me what happened, then breaks off the engagement. Next weekend she goes and screws him again, then tells him she still wants to marry me. I take her back, and we continue planning.
Then I start my online shit again. It carries through the wedding and for months past. Then I physically met someone and there was some touching to the point of completion, but no sex.
I got caught. Again. Yeah, like I didn’t see that coming.
Except that I really didn’t. We kinda patched things up, but I was still really bad at relationship stuff. She told me one day she would be done, and that day came. She started staying out all night, and it finally came out that she had a boyfriend. This went on for 2 years. Then she wanted back with me.
Y’all, I make promises that I don’t keep and basically screw all things relationship up. I decided I needed counseling. I found a counselor, and after several sessions, several that my wife joined me for, he said he wanted to test me for ADHD. I agreed.
I went home and told my wife, “I’m about to fire this mf’er. This stupid SOB thinks I have ADHD. How stupid does he think I am? I’m nearly 38 f***ing years old…”
WELL GUESS WHAT…
IM NEARLY 38 YEARS OLD AND I JUST FOUND OUT I HAVE ADHD…WTF
Now I’m on Focalin XR and it’s helping. And I’m learning that all the turmoil in my life is a series of side effects of my condition.
Guess who isn’t buying it…
I am constantly learning about this, but I just can’t get her to understand that nothing I did was to purposefully hurt her. There’s so much damage that I’m afraid it’s unrepairable. My therapist also thinks she has ADHD, as do I. Now that I can focus, and am gaining an understanding of the condition, I see so many of these things in her as well.
I’m at my wit’s end. We can barely have a conversation anymore. She just gets mad and then we can’t get anywhere. I feel like a total failure.
I’m sorry this is painfully long. My meds wore off a couple hours ago. Thanks for reading. If you made it this far, you deserve a cookie. I would like one, too.