My mum and I argued again [RANT]

Anyone who’s read my previous posts knows the situation but there are quite a few so here’s the TL;DR:

  • my mum doesn’t believe I have ADHD
  • she doesn’t think I need support (in school specifically but probably outside as well)
  • she is actively against me seeking help because she believes I either a) don’t have ADHD or b) don’t have it severely enough for it to be worth anything
  • her references are my brother who has several quite severe diagnoses (and ADHD is NOT one of them) and a company she volunteers for who handle tribunals for parents who’s kids have SEN
  • I went to my school’s student support person and talked to her and am now being mentored

I think that’s the main necessary info to understand the context so let’s continue.

We went and picked up my girlfriend from her house the other day and on the journey back we had an argument (poor girl had to listen to the whole thing).

The argument started because I mentioned I hadn’t put my uni application in yet because I was unable to find an extra curricular course I was doing so I could put it on.

During the argument my mum brought up the fact that I’d found this diagnoses on the internet and “decided I had it” (she didn’t mentioned ADHD specifically but its the only one I’ve extensively researched) and once again told me she didn’t think I had it and would not look into finding me a test for (which ha ha jokes on her I’m on a waiting list for exactly that anyway!)

She then continued on to talk about some other bits of an argument it seemed she’d been constructing for quite a while. She told me that, even with a diagnoses, it wouldn’t give me much support so what’s the point? I argued against that but she seemed adamant it wouldn’t do much.

Her main point was that with or without a diagnosis, I would be held to the same standard as everyone else and be expected to reach the same goal, the only difference would be a bit more support to help me along (but this is back to the whole “the support doesn’t do much” thing so).

She also told me that it was a choice that I was procrastinating and, while yes, I’m not the best at pulling myself out of my procrastination, I also wouldn’t say it was a choice to sit on my bed and be on the verge of tears over a piece of hwk that’s three weeks overdue and yet I can’t find the motivation to start it. Which I said. And she still told me it was a choice so I mean… wow thanks mum.

Eventually we got to the point where she asked me why I wanted the diagnosis (if I even got it) and I said “because the only other alternative is that I’m lazy or not trying hard enough and I don’t want that to be true”. Clearly that was a bad thing to say coz she got mad again and told me, very angrily, that I’m not lazy and i am trying hard enough (which a) given she’d said its a choice that I’m procrastinating, then she doesnt think that’s true and shes lying and b) it was said very angrily and so despite it being a typically nice thing to say, it really didnt come off that way).

She then conveniently ignored my “so why cant i do it” question and moved on to her next point about how people’s symptoms tend to get worse once they’ve been diagnosed (which I mean… my memory has been godawful recently (it was a massive struggle to write this post because I couldn’t keep anything in my mind for longer than two seconds) and I have noticed that I tend to become more “obviously” ADHD when I’m thinking about it but I haven’t been diagnosed so… eek?). It made me feel quite upset tho coz what if I am just faking this all?? To be special maybe? I can be a bit of an attention seeker (much to my own dismay) so maybe that’s true? Either way it made me sad.

I always hate these arguments because I never have any good responses in the moment so I generally just stop talking altogether (which then of course makes her angry again and good god its a never ending cycle).

There isn’t much reason for this post other than she’s been annoying me for the past few days (this was the worst offender but she’s been a bit not great towards my younger sister as well) and I wanted to rant.

I find it quite hard to be doing this alone. I’m so excited every time I get news about my referral. I was told the other day that I’m on the waiting list for an assessment which is a massive step in the right direction! My mentor is equally happy for me and has been so supportive in trying to make things easier and better for me and I love that so much. But I also wish she didn’t have to. Or… well… I wish it wasn’t her that was supporting me but my mum.

My mentor asked me once how I felt about my parents not supporting it. I almost burst into tears right there and then. I hate it. I went to the GP with my girlfriend to start this whole process. I was nervously sitting, my leg bounce bounce bouncing the whole time, waiting until they called me in. I’d already had to reschedule the appointment because my mum had had an appointment on the same day and I really didnt want to run into her and have her stop me before I even started.

But even that was wrong. The ducking and cowering and hiding from my mum so she wouldn’t find out, like I was covering up an illegal drug habit or something.

I came home from the GP victorious. They said they would refer me (I had expected this because they cant say no but i was still worried they would reject me). I was ecstatic and full of energy… and I couldn’t tell them why I was so happy. And I still can’t.

My mum told me today that she hates liars. That she trained us out of it as soon as we’d started because she did not want her kids to lie.

Funny that, for someone who hates lying so much, she has created the biggest liar and got herself caught in the biggest lie.

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Well all I can say is kiddous to you for standing up to your mom and your girlfriend for putting up with the arugement. It seems like your at a cross roads of sorts you want to have supportive mum but mum is unwilling to change but you wnat to keep in her in your life so mabye dont bring it up to her if you can go to a father figure or a dad who might be more supportive than mum then I would do so until then keep up the good work you got this and rember your brain works differently just because you started on the internet with a dignoses and while not officle yet most of us have a good sense that if there is something more there their typically is. SO good luck and kiddous once again.

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I don’t have any advice, but if it makes you feel any better, I just got diagnosed and it’s the EXACT same thing.
I hope everything works out, and we’re all cheering you on :blush:

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My dad is more supportive. A few years ago I was having a really tough time with exam anxiety and he set up a counsellor for me to go talk to but my mum then spoke to him and said it was a bad idea because of the way therapy works to break it down first then build you back up and that was a bad idea right before my exams so then I was gonna have sessions during the summer holiday but that didn’t happen because she decided I didn’t need it.

What I mean is that my dad is more supportive and easier to talk to than my mum but whatever I say to him ends up getting back to my mum eventually and then her reaction is 10x worse than it id gone to her because she then feels hurt that I didn’t go to her and all that

I do miss properly talking to them but hopefully soon I’ll be able to once again

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Thank you :blush:. That helps

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Dear Dxitydoo,

It sound like a really difficult situation but I think you are handling it really well (I would have turned it into a door-slamming, screaming match - if you did, I don’t blame you). I really feel for you about the fear of “what if I’m making this all up?”. I was diagnosed aged 7 with no idea what was going on and even now in my 20’s I sometimes convince myself that I fooled the doctors and that I am faking it.

I think where your mother said that with or without a diagnosis you will be held to the same standard but would get more support, she hit the nail on the head. But she has greatly underestimated the reassurance of knowing you aren’t stupid or lazy and that it doesn’t always have to be this hard. Even if there is only little support available, don’t estimate the effect of someone believing your struggles and helping you. All we want is a level playing field not a leg up!
It’s really hurtful when the person you need to support you doesn’t believe you, but she might come around (my mother did). Whatever happens we are here for you.

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Yeah. I haven’t had an assessment yet but even just having my mentor believe me and listen to me and try to understand and help me has been amazing and it makes me so happy to talk with her coz I know I still have to do the things but she makes it easier for me.

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Ah I see well I hope things do get better And eventually reaches a point where the reaction is not as bad.

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Your mother seems to have a few beliefs underlying what she’s saying:

A) There isn’t very much support available

This could be cynicism from seeing other people fail to get much support. I think support often can fall short, but it’s the people who still seek help that change the system

B) If someone is struggling they should overcome it by working even harder in roughly the same way they already have been

This is a very common belief in my region. I don’t agree with it. Persistence and effort are important, but so is strategy. If you have specific struggles (ADHD or otherwise) it’s valuable to find the tools that work best for you

C) Only the people with the most severe problems are allowed to complain or ask for help. Everyone else is supposed to put up with their problems because someone else has it worse

By this logic there’s 1 person in the world who has the “worst” problems and everyone else must be fine by comparison. Maybe a problem is a medium-sized problem. Get help for that problem. Get stronger and more awesome and use those new skills to help others


The concept of symptoms getting worse after diagnosis is interesting. When I started trying to figure out if I have ADHD I started noticing the symptoms much more, but in many cases the change was how often I was noticing it, not how often it was happening. I probably also relaxed a bit in my efforts to “act normal” but that strategy hadn’t been doing me much good anyway

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I will say since I’ve been actively seeking assessment and support in school, I have found that the days when I’m paralysed by lack of motivation or completely disorganised or hyper to the point of (verbally) bouncing off the walls or unable to concentrate on anything because everything is so boring have increased. So her argument may have some truth to it but I also feel like I’ve never really been “good”?? At my best I was completing homework the night before it was due (or the morning of if I fell asleep).

My sister has just started in year 7 and it’s quite fascinating for me to watch because she is so much better than me?? My living situation wasn’t ideal when I was in year 7 which maybe didn’t help but my sister is able to set aside time in which she completes her homework for the week (not even the day, the WEEK) ahead and gets it in in an orderly manner. That’s something that I still struggle with TODAY and I’m also double her age! And obviously I can’t see what’s happening in her head to safely say she’s not having similar difficulties to me but I have never been as good as she has and it’s a weird realisation because I never thought I was “that bad”, everyone else was just super good and I was “normal”. But now seeing her go through the same years I went through and manage to keep on top of everything? I start to think actually… maybe it wasn’t everyone else being super good but me being “bad”.

I’m using “good” and “bad” as relative terms to help me articulate the difference, not as a true belief that everyone else is somehow amazing at everything and doesn’t struggle and that I’m terrible at everything and don’t do okay in several areas)

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In my experience, it wasn’t necessarily that my symptoms got worse after diagnosis but was it more that as I started accepting my diagnosis, the fog of living without a diagnosis for so long ( I was 33 when I was diagnosed) started to lift and I became more aware of my symptoms and other related diagnoses that were hidden under my need to just survive all those years without a diagnosis . (sorry for the very long run on sentence) :slight_smile:

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Hi there, just checking in with you. How is it going?

Your quote above is the reason why I’m hesitant about involving my parents in the diagnosis process. While getting information about my childhood would certainly help to assess whether I have ADHD, I am afraid they would dismiss it the way your Mom did. Seeking help to improve one’s mental health is still regarded as a sign of weakness in our society.

One user recommended showing your school’s report cards: perhaps this could be helpful to you too?

I find a lot of your reactions and thought process quite similar to mine. Feeling misunderstood and isolated, doubting yourself and thinking “If everyone thinks I’m overreacting, then they must be right” are things I can relate to. I know it’s hard, but in these moments, try to look on the bright side:

  • You’ve got a supportive girlfriend who accompanied you to the GP;
  • You’ve got an understanding father who got you help;
  • You’ve got a mentor at school who is improving your work/study conditions;
  • Your doctor agreed to refer you so you could start the diagnosis process.

So remember: :one: you’re not alone, and :two: it’s only going to get better. Hang in there! :fist:

And feel free to rant again on the forum, there will be someone to read :wink: :brain:

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i’ve read everything here, which for me is quite a feat in itself! I’m coming from a different place than you. I’m 73 years old and was diagnosed in my mid-50s. My 42-year-old son was diagnosed at age 4 years. By living with himI was able to eventually recognize that I probably had ADHD. An evaluation prove that to be correct.

My son used to call himself “stupid”. Once he was diagnosed, in those days ADHD was not yet the label, he had a “hook” onto which he hung his self-doubt. He would say “I’m not stupid I have a learning disability”, which is how we identified it (much better than “Minimal Brain Dysfunction”!!!).

As for myself even though I graduated college and then graduated with a Masters degree in social work, somehow I always felt that I was a “fraud”. in other words, I didn’t give myself credit for being quite intelligent, I was just fooling everybody in having them think I was.

my point? It’s better to know what needs to be addressed and can be successfully worked with then to continue with self-doubt and self incrimination.

as a dad, and as someone with ADHD, and as a human being like all of us, . . . I wish you the very best of luck! Things will get better I’m sure.

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