37 year old here from NYC, diagnosed about a year ago and didn’t really take it serious enough to understand how important this community is to understanding how similar a lot of our stories are. Only this week after finding Jessica’s YT channel and TED talk did it really hit me how much struggle there has been that I’ve either gotten used to or swept under the rug. Moved to LA 4 years ago and the depression of this city really hit me and exacerbated the anxiety and growing concerns. Tried a bunch of meds that had really negative side effects with me and took up meditation and journaling which helped a lot for a while but kind of fell off because, well, anything else happened. But looking to get into it again for mental help. Recently started taking some Adderall XR again that was about a year old that was prescribed to me and it actually felt good. Talking with my psych again tomorrow to evaluate trying it again in conjunction with meditation and whatnot so hoping for a good outcome that will help with motivation. The things that are good for me creatively are the hardest walls to climb over but also the most satisfying (writing, film-making, etc.) and put me right into a flow state.
I really just wanted to say an enthusiastic, “Hi!” and that I’m excited to be around others that get the struggle. Feeling like you’ve been told you were lazy or feeling mentally inadequacy when you know you’re smart and can think critically but having almost been indoctrinated into feeling like you’re someone who will never live up to their true potential EVEN THOUGH you have more mental and physical energy for hours and decades than the rest of your family, friends and co-workers. Struggling to feel understood when you can’t even describe why you feel like a piece of shit for not starting a project or starting one and just giving up somewhere a long the line because, well, pick a reason… Feeling so stupid, and self-loathing and not understanding why but always feeling compassionate and a common humanity towards others and a campaigner for others. Feeling like you don’t want to be alone because being alone leads to indecision. Which leads to depression and anxiety. Wanting to constantly be around people because you’re afraid of what’s in your own head and talking to yourself. It’s easier to be with people than it is your own inner dialogue. Working hard at EVERYTHING OTHER THAN you’re own creative outlets because of perfectionism or fear of failure. And now, with covid-19 just missing human connection like a fish misses water.
So that’s it - but I’m looking forward to chatting with people on here but I’m in a decent place; trying to remain optimistic and look toward the future and work on myself in order to get shit done creatively and get out of my own head. I can’t tell you all how many times I’ve written in my journal, “Just fucking do it!” Also looking to offer advice when needed but much of this is so new to me I’m still discovering things but Jessica’s YT vids have not only been enlightening and heartfelt but made me feeling like there is a connection to a world of people out there that completely understand the same struggles I thought were solely my own. I’m incredibly grateful and so is my wife.
All the best,