Hello all! I’m seeking a bit of help here, well, because we’re all stronger when we’re together.
I have been diagnosed with ADHD (actually ADD) since I was quite young…I think like 8 or 9. My doctor put me on Ritalin and my parents said they didn’t like how emotional it made me, so they took me off of it. That was the last treatment I’ve ever had for ADHD.
I’m now 36, I’m a pastor of a pentecostal church, married to the world’s greatest woman (no disrespect to you female brains out there), and I have the 3 most amazing boys God ever created…oh, and I’m an IT tech…so I’m kinda a nerd too.
So, now that you have my brief intro, let’s get on to the real reason I’m writing here. I have ADHD (I know, shocker). I’ve known it since I was young and I’ve always thought that I had learned to manage it well…and maybe grew out of it. That is until my wife started working on her Masters in Clinical Counseling (18 more months to go! I’m so proud of her). She started learning about developmental disorders such as Autism (which my oldest son has) and ADHD. When she was reading the description of adults with unchecked ADHD, she was amazed, because it was a clear description of me. So, she asked if I’d ever had a diagnosis, and that’s where this journey began. I hadn’t hidden it from her, I just though that it wasn’t really part of my life anymore, but I was wrong. I read the article in a psychiatric journal that described me…I mean…adults with ADHD that is untreated and I was blown away.
I started doing my own research on how to manage ADHD as an adult and I was originally wanting to stray away from medications, especially stimulants, because I’m a rather large guy (6’5" 325 lbs) and my blood pressure it typically a touch on the high side. I was scared to start down this path, and so I didn’t. I felt stupid and ridiculous for wanting to seek out help for something that I’ve “never” needed help for before. But finally, about a year ago, I talked to my neurologist (I also have migraines…so he sees me the most) and he prescribed Celxa, an anti-depressant. It hasn’t really been helping so, I have come off of that med. I also started also seeking out counseling and my new therapist is going to work with me using CBT. I’ve seen her once so far…so here we go.
Lately, I have been struggling pretty heavily with anger, anxiety, and the feeling of being a failure. I actually experienced a meltdown a couple of days ago…something that hasn’t happened to me in well over a decade…maybe two. That was the last straw. I can’t put my wife and kids through that any more. I can’t traumatize my kids, who we’ve adopted out of traumatic circumstances. I don’t want this. I finally felt like I was honest with myself as I buried my head in my pillow (after storming through the house, punching walls, slamming chairs into the table) and screamed as loud as I can, “I hate you! Why do you do this to everyone you love! I hate you!” I felt honest, but I wasn’t happy with it. Why do I feel this way? I’m a Christian…and at that, I’m a pastor…how is it ok for me to feel like this? It goes against everything that we (Christians) believe in. Am I failing my family and my church? What can I do?
In the midst of all of this turmoil, I finally was able to surpass my Wall of Awful…but it wasn’t the healthy way. Hulk Smash!! (If you haven’t watched those videos…please do!) It’s not great that I went through the Wall of Awful this way, but I finally called my neurologist and told him, I want to explore medications such as Adderall because statistically speaking, these stimulants are more likely to get my ADHD manageable. I have a Telehealth appointment with him tomorrow morning to discuss this. If I can be honest, I’m scared to death…and I don’t know why. Logically speaking, I know that this is likely the best route for me to take so that I can get my life back, but for some reason, I’m questioning everything I’m doing. Will this work for me? Am I just being stupid? Do I just need to “get my act together?”
Ok. I think I’ve rambled on enough. I just need help right now. I feel broken and I can’t really see a light at the end of the tunnel. Sorry for the long post, but I figured if anyone would understand, you guys would.
Thanks for enduring me!