So when I first found out about my ADHD last year, I was pretty happy. My eyes were open to a whole bunch of possibilities, and I went from “WTF is wrong with me?” to “Maybe I can fix this”. And for once in my life, I had a view ahead of me.
Anyway… It’s all fallen in a heap. Sacked from my last job, temper blowouts, social ineptitude, self-sabotage finally starting to live up to the threat.
$7 has lasted me two weeks so far. Debt collectors all over me, and nothing to pay them with. I don’t even answer the phone now, unless I know who it is. And nobody else calls me, so that’s easy. I can’t get unemployment, because my soon to be ex-wife is not “soon to be” enough for the government, and they suspect her of secretly funding me my well-hidden millions.
I’ve been pretty down. Sometimes even as high as neutral. I almost got happy the other day after I finally managed to get some counseling. But it was the first session, so I just dropped it all out. As I was feeling particularly frustrated and without hope that day, I rode a wave of negativity twelve feet high, and I think I broke my counselor with it.
So today… My lovely old cat Ally.
I was forcing myself to get into a project or two. I went into my workshop and fiddled around for a while half-heartedly. My little kitten Peanut came in and watched me, played with string etc.
I’d seen my old cat around lunchtime, and she seemed happy enough, smiled at me, then I didn’t see her again.
Ally has been put out quite a bit by the new kitten, and tends to keep a low profile, so I didn’t think much of it. The back door was open, and she likes to sleep in the sun. But she will always come back for food eventually.
She’s over 18 now (I think around 90 in human years). And there is no sign of her.
I have a really bad feeling that she has done what cats do when they get old. That is, find a nice place to curl up, hidden from the world, and just close her eyes for the last time.
She didn’t even say goodbye to me.
I really hope I’m wrong, but I have the unshakeable feeling that she has gone.
She has been my friend for so long. Far, far longer than any human, or any other cat I’ve had. I had to work so hard to gain her trust when she was a kitten. She wouldn’t come out from under the couch for three days at first. It took years before I saw that she fully trusted me. To the point where if she got really frightened by a loud noise like thunder, she’d want to run. But if I touched her lightly, she would instantly feel safe, and would relax knowing that I was protecting her.
I earned her unconditional love. I’ve never had anything even close from a human.
We’ve gone through so much together. Good times and bad, with the good times gradually getting further away and less frequent.
For a long time, she was the only decent thing in my life.
But I know in my heart she will not be coming back now.
I’ve looked everywhere I can, but I’ll have to wait for the morning light so I can go doorknocking.
5% of me thinks she may be stealing some food from somebody else’s house, and that she’ll be back tomorrow. But I really doubt it.
Or maybe she thinks I’m going to work, and has hidden. She doesn’t like it much when I go away for weeks at a time and drop her at Mum’s. I’ve been clomping around the house in a bad mood, moving things around such as my “go bag” for work. That’s what normally happens when I’m about to fly out for work.
Today, I woke up feeling like I had little to live for. By the end of the day, I’ve been deflated even more.
Little Peanut is such a happy chappy, and is being extra chirpy today. But all I can see is an absence of Ally, and my heart is crushed even more than usual.
I’m really struggling to see the point of anything. She was my last friend.
I hope I see her again, but I have a black feeling. I actually cried wet tears today. Normally in my despair I go through the motions of crying, but the tears won’t come. I found them today.