I was diagnosed at 6 years old but never really had any education on what ADHD was and how it affected me. Now at 29 I have a better understanding of what it is I’m living with, I realize many of my “faults” aren’t something I can completely control. But the damage has been done. I thought knowing all of this and understanding it all would allow me to move past the insecurities and fears but that’s only been half the battle. There are still more bad days than good but I still see progress. Lately all my failures have been at the forefront of everything but I know failure is only part of the process. This mentality is a common thing in my life. I know things because I’ve been told but believing them is a totally different story. My therapist suggested finding and connecting with people who are facing the same thing months ago so I could realize I’m not the only one feeling these things. I would love to hear your stories and look forward to connecting with you all.
I think the mentality you are asking us to comment on is believing we can control our faults? So I’ll comment on that.
I have always believed that and it lead to a lot of self doubt and struggling to accept how I am because I should be able to control it and i do still struggle with that but I’m working on getting better
I didn’t really have any specific topics but it is a struggle of mine. I’m learning to look at those so called faults in a different way. Like instead of saying I’m naive and forgive to easily I say I look for the good in people and believe in that part of them
Yeah, changing perception Is a big thing in therapy.
Yeah its definitely a process.
Hi Kasie (who DOESN’T have a beard!), and welcome to the forum! Glad that you took the plunge and reached out after “months”, hehe. Hope we’re not too scary.
But yeah, self-doubt and extreme focus on failures is tough to overcome, I still struggle with it at 32… And emotional dysregulation is something to look into, we have several threads about it on the forum. It can be devastating, bit we have to work through it somehow… Hopefully we can support eachother!
Maybe I’m reading this wrong, but I read that you’re struggling to accept your faults.
There was a video about perfection somewhere that may touch on this. But in the end, if I told you that my wife has Asperger’s and struggles to read social cues that can cause challenges in relationships. Could you offer her compassion?
If I told you that my social and emotional challenges destroyed my relationships with my family before I ever understood them? Could you offer understanding?
If I told you that you aren’t perfect and have faults that lead you to do things you may look back on and regret. Could you offer yourself forgiveness?
I used to tell myself some really damaging things. For a very long time. I went to church for a while and heard the message of forgiveness. I don’t do church anymore, but the message was still valuable. I should forgive others and that I was deserving of forgiveness myself. Since I can forgive others for their faults and offer compassion, could/should I also give it to myself as well? Am I any less deserving?
Through this thinking I came to a much more peaceful place. I have faults. So does just about everybody I ever meet. I’m okay with that. Learning to understand those faults, just makes things a bit easier even if they don’t go away.
(This also works with others… if I can forgive myself for my faults, I can forgive others for theirs)
My therapist has talked to me about emotional dysregulation. I tend to sit on things for a bit before actually looking into it for a variety of reasons but in this case I want to go into it with a positive outlook on it. My self doubt has some really deep roots though so it’s going to take time to learn how to manage it in a healthy manner. I know it’s going to come and go but I want to lead a happier life in spite of that.
Deserving forgiveness is one of those things I know but have a hard time believing. So any advice on that is much appreciated. I am learning to see my faults for their strengths. I think I mentioned it in another post instead of seeing myself as naive and foolish I say that I choose to see the good in people and refuse to see them any different.
Knowledge and applying the knowledge are two different things and it’s exactly what we struggle with.
Glad to hear it! Persoanlly, I was bullied from 1st grade through university, so my insecurities are pretty deep too… So I get it. I wish I could move past it, but it’s hard and takes time… hugs
I just learned about emotional dysregulation this week. But as soon as I did, I was like “yup… That explains a lot”.
And I can identify seeing the good in people. I just joined the board at a local homeless shelter. My wife is talking to me about screening volunteers for the right type of person. I immediately think, “Don’t ask me to do it. They’re all good people who deserve a chance.”
It’s not that these are faults. They’re traits. They come with good and bad. I used to hate that I would cry over “stupid things” and was embarrassed. But when I talk about my struggles and start crying I’ve never had anybody doubt my sincerity, and it can help me reach people. It isn’t a fault. It’s just who I am.
My brain’s ability to chase rabbits has made it quick as a fox. In my career I’ve found success in roles that require quick solutions to new problems. I’m good at it because I can chase new things and get short term successes (rewards). I suck at the 6 month (or more) project. I’m okay with all this.
I’ve never really thought about my fast paced thought process in that light. My superiors at work have mentioned that when there’s a problem that requires a quick and creative solution they come to me. I’ve been aware of the creative side of my brain but never thought of it as quick but a last minute brain.
We recently started working through the DISC personality test at work in our group therapy sessions and my results have been surprising. My dominant personality is “I” which is an influencer and I was sure that there was some sort of mistake so I asked the coworkers I work the closest with and they completely shut down that line of thinking. They all said that its my optimistic, energetic, and creative approach to the job that helps keep them motivated. Its just goes to show that the verbage you use has an impact on how we view those traits.
I wanted to add something that I recommend to a lot of people. There’s a woman named Byron Katie who wrote a book called “Loving what is”.
Like most books I never finished reading it.
But she also has a lot of recorded interviews and seminars on YouTube. She talks about the stories we tell ourselves. About questioning our own thoughts that drag us down. Her lessons were another big part in my healing process, and being okay with who I am.
edit: I just watched the video I linked. I think sometimes her descriptions are a bit hard to follow, so let me know if you’re interested and I can give you an example of how I applied this thinking in my life.
Well, since it looks like nobody else said, “Welcome,” I’ll say it: Welcome!
I hope your discussion is going forward in a helpful direction. I hear you, when you wonder about controlling our faults or not, and I notice the conundrums inherent in these deep philosophical questions. We all struggle with “stuff” like that in lots of ways. Here below is a suggestion, offered for two reasons, whether or not it directly applies to you. I’m offering it up for the reasons that, (1) first, of course, you and the rest of us might benefit from hearing it, a little bit, I hope. But also, (2), for me personally, I really need to write it down, since I’ve only recently worked out a good cogent way to express it to myself, so, view this as a bit of my own hijacking of this thread to write a journal entry for myself.
I’d just suggest you maybe keep a stronger focus on REMEDY rather than REASON. Those aren’t technical terms – I just made them up, it’s how I talk to myself about it – but it’s helpful to think in those terms. Rather than FIGURING OUT WHY the situation (past traumas, your faults, etc.) has arisen (a helpful task most of the time; sometimes a bit of a distraction but only a minor hindrance; once in a Blue Moon a total obstacle to progress) (I call this the REASON); instead of that, why not learn HOW TO BETTER the situation (I call this the REMEDY)? Sure sure, you need them both. For the REASON, over time, it’ll of course turn out that learning WHY will grow on you. But in the immediate present, increasing any portion of the REMEDY will improve on your life quickly and helpfullly. For example, even if you only get 5% of the total REMEDY, and totally neglect (for a while) the remaining 95%, your life will promptly get 5% better! Whereas, if you get 99% of the REASON, you would still have to (1) figure out the remaining 1% and then (2) start working out FROM that reason, good remedies, so, you’re not guaranteed any benefit more than 0% at all! It’s a bit of silly math – our insides don’t really operate in that manner, of course – but I still find it helpful sometimes to think in this silly-math manner. If I’m falling into the beginnings of self-doubt or fear, or finding that I’m not progressing in my counseling, or anything like that? I try to stop looking for REASON and start looking for REMEDY.
Well, anyway, that’s my journal entry, my hijack, and my suggestion, take it or leave it as you wish. Welcome to the community, best of luck, glad to hear from you!
Thanks, at first I was a bit confused but per usual by the end I was able to put it all together and I do have a very strong desire to figure out the “reason” so I’ll give your suggestion a try. It totally makes sense being that the reason doesn’t offer any relief so focusing on the “remedy” is much more productive in the progress if things.
I hope you’re able to get a hold in the self doubt it can be debilitating if it goes un-checked. I’m lucky to have a therapist who has helped me create a habit of checking in on my mental place on pretty regular basis. Self awareness has made a huge impact on my journey to living with ADHD and not just surviving it. I frequently ask myself if I genuinely feel the way I do or is it because of some societal norm that tells me this thing I’m struggling with is a negative thing.
I’m currently learning just because I have a different way of doing things that doesn’t make me wrong.
Yeah, that’s one I still have a hard time with, especially at work.