Paying my family to do my house work?

I’m having some really conflicting feelings right now. My mom just came in to my room to tell me she figured something out to try and help me.
I’m not good with chores, which I know is no surprise, so my mother things it would be a good idea to, instead of do it myself, pay my sister to do it.
She claims my sister is fine with the idea, I haven’t spoken to her yet, but my sister tends to be a people pleaser. so I’m not sure.
I’m having a hard time being okay with this idea. shouldn’t I just do what I’m supposed to? is this lazy? is this going to make my sister resent me more? it would leave all the house cleaning to her… it doesn’t feel right to do.
My mom says it’s fine cause I’d be paying her, but, it feels so gross, and in all honesty kind of hurts that my mom even brought this up as if I’m just… never going to be a useful part of the family.
I need a second opinion. is this okay?

1 Like

I think it’s an okay idea. The question is, are you okay with it?

I hear two sides. Side one is that you’re blaming and shaming yourself for not just doing this on your own. You feel like you “should” just do it, and that it says that you are less of a person because you can’t or don’t. At the same time, how long has this been a struggle? What things have you tried in the past to make it happen? Sometimes we can’t just will ourselves into doing things, especially things we’re not good at or that we don’t like. Just because you don’t clean or don’t want to clean doesn’t make you a bad person, a disappointment, or not a part of the family. Some of us just have different goals and different skills.

The other side is that this is a great opportunity. Here you have a chance to farm out something you dislike, and in a way everyone wins. You get to not have to deal with the stress, and they get a house that is a bit cleaner. Plus they only have themselves to blame if it doesn’t get clean on time or up to their standards. That takes some of the burden off you. People often pay for maid/cleaning services to come and take care of their homes and it helps dramatically with their stress and also the general upkeep of their place. The downside of this, though, is that it will cost you money. You have to figure out is it affordable and what will it take to be able to consistenty pay for it. Can you pay months in advance, or does it have to be weekly? Is the stress of having to work to pay for the chores less than the chores themselves?

There’s a chance that your family is trying to do a psychological trick and motivate you with the pain of having to pay for things. But, at the same time too, this is a creative decision to a persistent issue.

Whatever you decide, you’re no less of a person for it. It’s okay to not want to clean or to not be good at it. And, it’s okay to ask for help, even if you have to pay for it. That’s what a therapist is like. Just take time to think about what the right decision for you is. And, if you decide one thing, negotiate a “take back” clause so that you can change your mind if you don’t like that answer anymore.

Good luck!

3 Likes

I think it’s an interesting idea. It’s also important to me to feel like I’m pulling my own weight, but my spouse and I each specialize in certain cleaning tasks based on who finds the task easier. Your mother’s idea looks at contributing in a broader way. It doesn’t have to be money, either. You could think of other types of contributions as well and look for combinations that fit you and your family. Maybe this combination doesn’t fit well for you (or perhaps your sister), but I think it’s a good thing to consider creative solutions. I don’t think it’s lazy. I think it’s smart.

3 Likes

I agree with the other two posters and totally understand your concerns with wanting to maintain a good relationship with your sister. It’s really hard when you want to maintain a good relationship and yet one side is forced or being asked to pick up a lot of slack in certain areas on the other side.
Have you talked to your mom about paying her instead? More of a “rent” than hiring your sister? Then it’s not so directly you and her, but rather if you can’t finish certain items by the end of the week/month you can pay your mom to have them done by someone else (dad, sisters, neighbor kids, etc).

I will say that chores were really hard for me when I was at my mom’s house. You want to maintain a good relationship, but it causes so much stress! It may be encouraging to know that it was easier for me to remember and want to do them once I was out on my own. I decided where my dishes went, where my bills got paid, how I swept the floors and how often I did all the things, and since I was in charge of the rest, the doing became a little bit easier. It’s still REALLY hard to keep up on things, but the desire to do them is stronger now. Also, once you move out there is TOTALLY a possibility of paying someone else to take care of what you can’t–I have hired multiple highschoolers (sometimes for one time, others for several months of consistent help) and my husband and I agree, it is some of the BEST money we have ever spent!

Also remember, SHOULD IS A DIRTY WORD. If you ever find yourself feeling like you “should” be able to do something that your ADHD is making it harder for you to do, STOP RIGHT THERE. Recognize should as a bad word and start reconciling why you feel that way and how to find a solution rather than beating yourself up about the problem or the fact that you need a solution at all. If you need to find a solution, it’s not your job to analyze why and if you really “should” need that solution. If you have a problem, you need a solution, and the why doesn’t matter as much as finding a way to move forward. You can address the why after you’re not drowning in your issue. It’s easier for me to strategize how to get things done if I’m starting from a clean house than if I’m already drowning in clutter, dirty dishes, unread mail and dirty laundry.

Good luck <3

2 Likes