So, thanks for all y’all’s comments.
I see a few (equally valid, probably!) interpretations going on here. One is, that the video suggests that some people are overly sensitive when they get rejected. Another is, that the video suggests that some people overly often assume that they are rejected, when they might not necessarily be rejected. Another is, that although the rejection may have had only a reasonably negative level of impact on some of us, and although it was a reasonable interpretation to say that it was indeed a rejection, some of us allow the negative feelings to continue on well into the future for an unreasonably long time, we rehash the negative experience unreasonably more than necessary, we live under the shadow of the (probably rather mild) rejection and allow it to dominate our future lives much more than reasonable. I hadn’t thought to consider these various possibilities, will have to think on that subject. They’re obviously related – and based mostly on subjective interpretation strategies, of course, but still worthy of thinking about. And realizing I’m doing it (if I am; which I am figuring is likely the case …).
I am not thinking in terms of one particular situation here. I’m just realizing that I don’t have in the memory vault any experience of acceptance. I have always been either neutral (as in, I wasn’t trying to get anything, win anything, succeed, get a date with a pretty girl, etc.) or negative (as in, I didn’t get it). Of course this is entirely subject to my own interpretation or misinterpretation – there are bound to have been plenty of occasions in my life when I did gain something I was actively (or more passively? by assumption or just “intertia,” f.e.) seeking. But I don’t look back on those occasions with much “hoorah” or “success” (acceptance?) feeling. I simply have a sense of “that took place in the past” about them, no more, no less. Whereas, if you were to ask me about my overall general history, and I were to get a long view of it, I would say, no, I’ve always felt rejected. I know of some specifics I can name – never been paid adequately for a real job, to the point that workplaces actually COST me more money than I earn by working there (thus, it is the rational economic choice to quit work, believe it or not); never got to go out with the girls I wanted to date, because when I asked someone, that meant she could say “no,” so, when I did have a date, it was to my chagrin that I was stuck with the person I wasn’t very interested in. Other scenarios exist in my mind, won’t belabor them here. Point is NOT, that woe is me I’ve had such a bad life everyone does reject me. I’m not saying that this is necessarily an accurate view of the past. Point is, rather, that woe is me I’ve oddly always FELT like everyone rejects me. Even if they didn’t. And I had no idea that this was a feeling which was out of the norm, when compared to the majority of the human population. The sense of rejection (if that’s what I really want to call it; not sure) has been so pervasive that it underpins everything to the point that I never really noticed it. Kind of like being left-handed – if I didn’t know that many other people were not left-handed, I never would have noticed that I am left-handed. There’s nothing inherently bad about feeling a preference for the left rather than the right hand; but there is probably something bad about preferring a sense of rejection so much that it becomes the natural state, the assumption.
I certainly don’t feel a need for approval or acceptance from others. I’ve sometimes wondered if maybe I’m excessively independent in that sense. When you’re in grade school or there abouts, if your experience was anything like mine, you might recall that adults were often asserting the lesson that you shouldn’t care what other people think about you. If you know you’re doing the right thing, they would say, then don’t worry if everyone around you is doing something different, go ahead and be yourself and do the right thing! I think it’s a lesson designed to bulwark against the onslaught of peer-pressure and negative peer group manipulation that is inevitably going to start happening soon enough as the student moves on from grade school up to the junior high adolescence level. “Don’t worry what other people think” can be a very good moral underpinning for a young mind. But I think I took that lesson too far to heart. You can’t actually have a girlfriend or a job, if you GENUINELY manage to NEVER worry about what other people think. “Dear boss, here’s my work, I know you will be unlikely to approve of it but I don’t give a hoot what you think about it, so now pay me,” probably won’t work very long will it? “Dear hot young woman whom I wish to turn into my girlfriend, I will now do things that make you disapprove of me, (not in that tricksy bad-boy dangerous way, of things which you say you dislike but which you actually respond positively to, but rather in the direct disapprovable way, like, I’ll wreck your car and insult your mom and cheat on you and not bathe regularly and pull your bra strap like we were in grade school and play Frogger with my friends and smear week-old pizza on my overweight-belly-clad t-shirt), but you have to be my lover and my confidante and my best friend anyway.” Not gonna work. So, no, I don’t think I’m an extreme approval-seeker. I make the mistake of going a bit toward the opposite extreme, I think, but I am guessing that I am within reason, not at an extreme.
OK so, that’s some thoughts. Love the Hulk GIF, maybe I’ll use that as my avatar. Can’t recall which one I had here, it’s gone the way of all my internet images, I’ve taken the Covid lockdown as a chance to really cut back on all my internet presences, including images of myself. What did the old one look like? I had several at different places. I think I prefer knowing that my social (and discussion board) media presence is more considered, less ad-hoc, so the act of cutting out images is just one of many ways that I’m encouraging myself to NOT just type up a quick (and often callous, or at least flippant) response to everything. Since I know I’ll be tempted to delete much of what I make if I am not careful to limit it, I take more care to make only something which is worth making. With the backlog largely erased now (getting it all off of Facebook was a nightmare!) I’m starting with a clean slate.