Ranting and hoping for support Trigger(s): Eating disorder

Hi, so life is bad so im going to rant about it here and hope that someone can help/support me.

When i see people who have changed their gender (mostly female to male or female to non-binary) I get jelous and i dont think that is normal, im jealous of how they were able to look like the gender they feel. Im not sure how I feel but I dont feel female (Im assigned female), id rather have a more male body but not have any genders gender norms and i dont want to loose the good parts of being female because then i feel i will be upset about what could have been. Im not sure what i should do and its stressful.

So I have these other personalities and one of them got really depressed really quickly because i got uncomfortable with something they experience that i dont know how to handle but i wasnt upset with them for experiencing it. but they started getting down on themselves and doubting if they are supposed to be like that and if they are real and if they are real are they helping me well enough. the main one that i havent been able to fix is them doubting their existence and i was thinking getting tested for DID may need to be done to help her with that and if we do have it then she will feel better and know she exists and is real (at least thats my hope. but there are a few challenges in this

  1. My parents would have to approve and they dont think its real
  2. I feel if i get a DID diagnosis I cant get an ADHD one, and i dont know if that has any reason based in it im just not sure.
  3. What if i dont have it and my dad is right that im just trying it on (he says ive done it before)
  4. what do i do if i dont have it
    so im not sure what to do about those either

I just realized my about daily anxiety attacks probably isnt ok and that i should probably take some meds for it but idk and its stessful getting so overwhelmed so easily
I want to get tested for ADHD but I just got tested for autism (and diagnosed with it) and i feel bad about making such a big deal out of stuff and getting tested for it even though im hoping it will make it so if i dont have it i ignore any things of it i notice and stop talking about it

Next paragraph about eating disorder stuff
I need to eat more food before my doctors apointment so that way im not hospitalized but im not sure i can do it and i really dont want to and the food is just bad and stressful. i gotta loose weight though and im trying to eat enough so that way i dont die but my pyschical symptoms are bad and im not eating enough

So im afraid of men due to a recently remembered trayuma and im not sure if ill be able to go back to school and if i am then i just made a big deal out of a stupid fear for no reason but if i cant what am i going to do?

any advice or help is appreciate and thanks for reading (and bravo for reading because i could a barely write it).

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I can’t offer any advice, but I can give some encouragement. You have already been through so much and I know you can get though this! Eating disorders are hard, DID is hard, anxiety attacks are hard, and autism is hard but you are still here. Despite that, you’re still alive and doing the best you can! That’s amazing. We’re always here for you so don’t ever worry about asking for support or solutions because we’re here to give it :blush: good luck!!!

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Thanks

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