Hello fellow brains. I recently discovered Jessica’s TEDx talk accidentally on YouTube and realized everything she talked about described me in a very scary way. Prior to this, I had no idea how serious adult ADHD was, so I never once considered it as a possibility for myself while searching for answers as to why I am the way I am. I have struggled as the square peg trying to fit the round hole society wants me to fit for as long as I can remember. Everything I tried to do to emulate normal adult behavior I failed at doing in some way. It’s resulted in a massive and complex series of issues in my life – my credit is awful, I have several unpaid bills, I keep losing jobs, I am severely behind my peers in skill level, my car is being repo’d, I’ve lost touch with practically all friends, family have turned against me, relationships always end badly, all the while I can’t even begin to fix any of these things… and that’s just a glimpse. I have struggled to piece together why these things happen despite all the effort I put in to being the person I’m expected to be. The only thing, ONLY thing I’m doing right at the moment is finishing my degree. But even that has it’s challenges. I am a habitual procrastinator. I cannot help myself when this happens even though I know I should and want to start early, and as a result I’ve become a master of writing entire essays (that get As!) the day before they’re due. I constantly want to tear myself away from school work that is boring or uninteresting and fixate on a video game for hours, or watch random videos about horseshoe crabs (this literally happened the other day) when I’m supposed to be working on a project that has absolutely nothing to do with horseshoe crabs. In class, I struggle to pay attention or process what’s being said by the instructor, and have to write literally everything down to both stay engaged and remember it later, and when classmates talk to me, I sometimes catch myself fading out when they’re talking directly to me, occasionally I have to pretend I heard them because I’m too afraid to let on that I didn’t catch half of what they said. And speaking of memory, boy is that bad. I cannot remember even the most important things when I need to. I lose track of time very easily and it’s almost like I don’t even have a concept of what time is. Days blend together and I frequently become surprised at what day of the week or month it is. Appointments and deadlines are among the hardest things for me, and I have planner books and a fully functional smartphone and yet I keep forgetting to make use of them to keep track of these things, so the pattern of missing or almost missing them is seemingly infinite. I nearly missed a deadline to update my Fall grades for my university application and it freaked me out that I would forget something this serious especially considering how badly I want to be accepted.
I clearly have something going on and have for a long time. I have a doctor’s appointment coming up in which I will begin the process of trying to get a diagnosis. However, when I was reading about what to expect for an ADHD diagnosis, there was an emphasis on evidence that the individual had ADHD since childhood, which really only family and old records could provide. Problem is, I’m not going to have access to either of those. Especially not family. Like I said above, family is not in the picture anymore. Pretty much everyone, including my parents, have left me out in the cold and think I do all these things on purpose. Even when I was previously diagnosed with major depression and GAD, they didn’t even care, and accused me of finding excuses. They were content to allow me to live in a car for almost a year rather than accept that I had actual problems I couldn’t control. So I refuse to even speak to them now.
Do I have a chance at being diagnosed even without any real evidence of a childhood with ADHD? I feel that this is me, that ADHD does indeed explain me, but what if I can’t get diagnosed because of these complications?
I appreciate any insight and personal experience you can afford me.