Rejection sensitivity - spiraling down-

Hello out there, I need some support.

sorry whining
I am spiraling down and the thing is, the more I spiral down the more difficult it get’s to reach out.
And this is where rejection sensitivity hits.

Right now I am in a place where I really feel nobody wants to help me and whatever I do doesn’t work.
I know, that all people have their stuff, but I am having a hard time, that nobody is actually seeing how bad I feel. Or - interpretation- they are seeing it and don’t want to help.

I have been looking for a therapist for two years straight. I should find one via the social welfare system, but they all have to many clients and keep on telling me to call again in 3 month. Actually after calling twenty this week I found one, where I have a first appointment end of August.
My friends are busy.
My family self involved.
I called my psychiatrist, but he is on vacation.
Social worker on vacation.
Body therapist ill.
Partner involved in working and not really helping.

And now I am in a place, where I don’t want to call any more people, because I feel it is always me calling and making the first step, they don’t really like me, I am not worthy. They just want to see me when I am happy.

Then I think okay stay home. but I can barely get out of bed or cook. Have a bad feeling towards my kids, for it is vacation and I let them them sink in into virtual reality in order not to get involved. I have a bad conscience for being depressed. And I don’t know why I get more and more depressed even though I have started antidepressant on top of Vyvanse.

I know I am spiraling down, don’t feel I can get through easter time. My usual strategies don’t help. And even the hotline I called was not helpful. All are busy. I feel so worthless and even treating myself with good food, bath… doesn’t help.

Could someone please give me a virtual hug.

Annamaria

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@annamaria we are here for you.

((((((((((HUGS))))))))))

You are not alone.

I would recommend that you ask one of your kids for an actual hug. I know that I can count on any of my kids for a hug, and I’d suspect that you can do the same. Maybe ask the most sensitive child, or the youngest, or the most responsible one. Children can be surprisingly helpful, at any age. (My own kids are 28, almost-20, 9 and 7 years old. The oldest has been outright mad at me half the time through her teens, and even in those times, I know I could count on her for a hug.)

Also, if your therapist has taught you any cognitive behavioral therapy techniques, this is a good time to practice them.

  • I know a little mindfulness meditation, I think closing your eyes focusing on your breathing, like box breathing (inhale for 4 seconds, hold your breath for 4 seconds, exhale for 4 seconds, hold your breath out for 4 seconds, repeat this process for a couple of minutes).
  • Another technique I know is to focus on your senses: look around the room and name 5 things you can see (try to notice different colors or all the same color), listen and name 4 things you can hear (try to hear different pitches), reach out with your hand and name 3 things you can feel (try different textures), close your eyes for a minute and name two things you can smell, and then name one thing that you can taste (go to the kitchen for this one if you need to).

Again, you are not alone.

I don’t remember any posts of yours about faith, but these are help lines for depression that I found listed on a website about therapy.

  • Germany: Telefonseelsorge at 0800 111 0 111 for Protestants, 0800 111 0 222 for Catholics, and 0800 111 0 333 for children and youth.

(I am a person of faith, and so I hope you don’t mind, but I will be praying for you throughout the day today.)

Remember, you are not alone.

The fact that you are being treated for depression is huge. That means that you are recognized, your struggles are acknowledged. The medication may not be helping in the way you need it to. If your doctor or psychiatrist cannot see you right now, at least try to call their office and get a message to them, to let them know the medication is not helping. A change in dosage or a change in medication might be necessary.

We are here for you. You are not alone.

Sometimes it changes scenery is helpful. Even just getting outside for a little fresh air and looking around at something besides the walls you’re used to. If the weather is nice enough, perhaps a walk through the park… And maybe ask one of your kids to come along, for someone to talk to, even if the conversation is only about what they are up to lately.

((((((((((HUGS))))))))))

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Thank you, you guys. @Brooklyn @j_d_aengus

You just had me in tears.
WOW.
I had called the Telefonseelsorge before and they were really stupid. I don’t know - probably overworked as well. And I had called the office of the psychiatrist and they said nothing they can do, I should call back on tuesday.

I just went to the room of a child and asked to eat something with me. That helped a little.

I have such a bad conscience that my children have to cope with me and my ADHD and my depression. I see my little one already taking on too much responsibility and to much effort trying to be good and uncomplicated … which so much reminds me of me in my family, …
This makes me ashamed, that I don’t have it covered any better. But actually my little one has a therapists appointment tomorrow - and I took care of that - because of panic attacks. And my big one has depressions. We had to go through some big health issues, which are still not resolved, so they are panicking “for a reason”.

I have always been the strong one/responsible one… but somehow not anymore.

Unfortunately my partner, who is trying his best, is on the spectrum, which makes my emotional neediness - that I experience at the moment - very difficult. He doesn’t get the concept of emotional comforting or talking about emotions. And even if he tries it is somehow not helpful. Most of the times he rather looks for a different task, something he can actively do and rather “flees” when I want to talk/be comforted. Or he wants to put me in bed and bring me a tea :slight_smile: - Which is not really helping, as you might know.

Thanks for reminding me to the mindfulness techniques. I thought about it before, but couldn’t motivate myself. Couldn’t even motivate myself to cuddle the dog.
Helps to feel your community. :heart_eyes:

Annamaria

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I find it so difficult, that I should be a burden. :see_no_evil:
Actually I think a lot of it has to do with
A- me needing to find the right dose of
Vyvanse, elontril(wellbutrin) and agomelatin. The Agomelatin I take in order to sleep. but than I feel hit with a hammer on the head in the morning. As if I had been drinking. Tired and depressed. Than I take the elontril to make my mind lighter and the elvanse to activate myself. It feels as if my body couldn’t do any of that by itself anymore.

Also I find it difficult, that I don’t feel happiness anymore.

And I find it difficult that things don’t seem to change. Like some big parameters I just have to accept and I struggle with that one.

And my family struggles with that one. I think they can just accept the fake me, but not the ADHD me, which is more difficult to get along with.

For years I have suppressed all my sadness and anger… I am/was a master of coaching and self-organizing techniques but is did cost so much willpower. and I feel I just can’t bring it up anymore. Also because I don’t feel appreciated when I am “chaotic” or forgetful and moody.
Also I became more sensitive about the “little jokes” about me being forgetful or chaotic, or … And the more I feel like that the less my brain functions. And than I start telling something and there is some information not correct and my partner doesn’t focus on the message I try to tell but only on the mistake. Because that is the way he functions. (…)
He has always been like this, but it is getting harder for me not to take it as an offense.

sorry, this got long… :roll_eyes:
I just feel so lonely right now…
thanks for being there and having an open ear…
:wind_face: :cloud_with_rain: :rainbow:
I think I will get out of bed and make myself a cup of tea.

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Even that seems too much. The dog had to go in the garden, because I have the feeling I can’t make it on the street. Don’t have the power to hold myself upright.

I arranged a hiking trip with a friend from childhood days for tomorrow. Hope I manage. Hope that helps.
Should. Today as Jessica says, ADHS won.

Sorry that it is so much right now, but it helps.
So I plan three tasks for today. (one of my techniques)

  • get the wash out of the machine
  • eat something
  • water recently planted plants

I am very glad that I did dare to post my problem here. Feeling a little less lonely helps - hope I don’t overwhelm you @j_d_aengus with my replies

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My wife and I used to go to our pastor for things that we really should have been going to therapy about (both personal mental health issues, and relationship issues). He was definitely the person to go to for spiritual matters, but he didn’t have any mental health or marriage counseling training.

That’s good. We humans are made for connection. Even just spending time together quietly can help sometimes.

(After I helped my ex and our younger kids move, I asked my older son to move back in. He moved out several months ago because of strife between him and his mom. Just having him there helps me feel less lonely, and he doesn’t feel like an imposition in his older sister’s house.)

With you having ADHD and your partner on the spectrum, it’s very likely that your kids are neurodivergent, too.

I think it’s a benefit that you have an awareness of all these factors, plus knowing how you were affected by dealing with the same kinds of issues when you were a kid. It doesn’t mean that your kids won’t experience similar issues to what you did, but by being intentional that you don’t want to burden your kids, you will have less of a negative impact.

  • Also, by demonstrating to your kids that you are working to get the help you need, you are helping prepare them to do the same for themselves when they are grown.

We parents can’t help but to have a generational impact on our kids and grandkids. All we can do is to do our best to show them that we love them. That includes modelling for them what good self care looks like, and letting them see that you’re trying to be the best parent and person that you can be.

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i’m thinking of you, annamaria.

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Thank you so much guys. You really turned my day to the better.
This early morning I watched hours and hours of the Johnny Depp trial just to keep my mind occupied with some stuff that is not “scripted” and an actual conflict. Found it to be healthier than Netflix. Now going to bed, I actually did do my wash and got some little things done threw my little one out of her room into the neighborhood. Now we have some giggling and some sleepover guests and I really appreciate @j_d_aengus your perspective of “at least being transparent and aware of it” - I feel so ashamed that I have to put that burden of being a “complicated and messed up” parent in the game (life) of my kids. But I guess I have to eat that Sh.tsandwich.

Yes we are! But it is not easy to find honest people these times. An d people who can cope with honesty. (this is the mind of the dissappointed little one in my head talking - the grown up knows there are some - not many- but some)

  • Thanks again -
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I’m glad to know your day got better.

Some on us may struggle more than others, but life comes with struggles. We have to learn to deal with them and overcome what we can.

Such is life.

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Well, I am a professional in dealing with struggles, my whole life …
But you know, sometimes there are times when there is an extra load on top of the already extra load…
Have a nice day.

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:hugs:
I really hope you are doing well!!
I’ve had issues with this since childhood and I still tend to withdraw from everything, even though I have access to help and I do have people who care. . . The feeling of even non-existent rejection can be so debilitating that it leaves you with no energy or reason for doing anything.

Empathy requires a lot of effort and a high level of abstract thought, you can only theorize about what other people are going through, and some experiences can be quite isolating… It is not that other people would not want you to feel better, but there is the gap in understanding and getting immersed in the struggles is much more energy demanding than it seems and other people often appear as though they are fine but they aren’t, we’re all in it together in some sense.

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Thank you EVERYBODY here for your support. As always, it is good to feel that one is not alone in this. Today is already a bit better, still way below zero, but better. :rainbow:

@Matej_Blaha Thanks for sharing! Yes, it is crazy how even non-existent rejection can drag you down. I really don’t get why I can hyperfocus on the one rejection and forget all about self worth and about people who do love me in that moment.

I exactly know, what you mean, but some days I am just not willing to buy this, especially with family or people you are close with, or people who are doctors, helpline people, psychiatrists…
When one is always told to ask for help and that there would be help out there and is really at rock bottom and asks very precisely, that now is the day you really really need help and people tell you about office times or chores they have to do, helplines don’t work… I am very glad that I always have the awareness that I have children… or in other words there have been days on which I really realized why suicide rates do not go down.

But again I am glad that I opened up here this week.

Annamaria

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First time I have a tracking bell beside a post. The above one. I assume it is because of the “s” word.
I do want to make clear to you guys, you do not need to “worry”… I went in the woods yesterday and did a day of little “electronics, dopamine, …”

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Totally agree!

I am really sorry to hear this. Remember that things won’t be spiralling down forever, there will be things that are worth living for and that will make you want to live, even if it does not seem like that at the moment. Try to look for these things whenever you can.

If it gets really bad, just call 911 or some other emergency line depending on where you are rather sooner than later. It seems that suicide hotlines can be problematic, advertising help is easier than actually helping (What Do You Do When a Suicide Hotline Fails You?).

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I’m on LinkedIn, and there was a discussion the other day on there about taking care of mental health, particularly when someone is experiencing suicidal thoughts. It was brought up by a LinkedIn member named Dave Crenshaw trainer, an author, and a keynote speaker. He is also an ADHD Brain; I heard him say in one of his training videos that, at the time he got diagnosed, he was told that he has “off the charts” ADHD.

(He couldn’t find a time management and organization system that worked for him, so he had to invent one. Similar story to how Ryder Carroll invented the Bullet Journal system.)

Dave brought up the topic of suicide because he had struggled with suicidal thoughts in the past. He shared what he had to do to get the help he needed, and even though that was years ago, he continues to meet with a psychiatrist and therapist regularly to help maintain his mental health.

This guy is successful, and he seems to “have it all together”, but proves that it takes work and it takes help from other people. (In addition to LinkedIn, you can find him on YouTube. He even has an ADHD in the Workplace training course on Udemy, which I’m in the middle of.)

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It just goes to show, nobody is immune. Anybody can have mental health struggles. We all need help from time to time, which is why we need the people in our lives, and we need the help of one another here.

I’m glad that you’re getting the opportunity to do things that are helping you.

And while we may not need to worry, all the same, were here for you simply because we care. :blush:

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Yes . . . I too care about everyone on-line in this adopted “Family” of mine. I find trust, integrity, respect, support, and compassion (call it “empathy” if you like). “There but for the Grace of God walk I” . . . is what I think when I feel sorry for myself! Some of you have struggles far more challenging than mine . . . and of course some of you may be more at peace with who you are . . . and function less chaotically than I have over my 75 years!

So we try . . . We succeed . . . We fail . . . But hopefully . . . we try again!

Thank you all!

Barry

:sunglasses:

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