Yes, I’ve been there. I first experienced rumination while going through a long period of difficulties at work that made me extremely anxious. It was only at the end of that time that I sought counseling, as I was starting a new job. (Which also didn’t work out, due to lack of necessary training, but it’s okay because I’ve got a better job now.)
This year, my wife and I have been going through relationship issues. I went through a two month long depression earlier this year, and a lot of anxiety since then. (She’s brought up divorce a number of times.) There have been many times this year that I have been stuck ruminating.
Sometimes I can’t get myself out of it. Other times, I can break myself out of it by focusing on something else, like work, positive thoughts or memories.
I’ve been working at this for months. During the time I was in depression, I was meeting with a counselor via video chat. (It helped a lot, but the counselor had been through a bad divorce years ago, and his bitterness at it still influenced him. His attitude about my wife was pretty sour. But he certainly helped me improve my Outlook and opinion about myself, which helped me get out of the depression.)
Things I’ve done to help me this year:
- Reading books, listening to audiobooks & podcasts, and watching YouTube videos about how to deal with the issues I’ve been facing.
- Reconnecting with friends.
- Spending time with family (my kids, grandkids, and parents).
- Going to church again.
- Accepting encouragement offered by coworkers.
- Practicing mindfulness meditation (I mostly just focus on my breathing).
- Reading the Bible (I don’t do enough of this).
- Praying (I have been doing a LOT of this).
Even though my marriage may be failing, I’ve actually been fostering my friendship with my wife. (We started out as school friends 33 years ago, and in addition to my romantic interest in her, I’ve always tried to maintain the friendship.)
I’m trying to save our marriage. We still may wind up divorced. If so, I want to still maintain the best relationship I can with her that I can. Even if we divorce, I’m not giving up hope.
I have been finding stories of people who have won over and remarried their ex-husband or ex-wife even after divorce … even after infidelity and divorce … one couple who divorced after one spouse cheated, and then remarried three years later, even founded an organization called Marriage Helper, International. That organization has lived up to it’s name, helping many thousands of marriages to be restored…
…it gives me hope. A few months ago, I was despondent and ruminating almost nonstop. A few weeks ago, I felt hopeless that divorce is more likely than not, I was ruminating nearly every day. A few days ago, my mindset finally started to tip towards the positive more often than it did to the negative, and rumination was rate. Today, I feel that even divorce isn’t the end, that there would be hope of remarriage.
Work on yourself @ffejtable . Focus on growing and improving yourself in body, mind, heart and soul. Try to do a little something every month to improve yourself. That’s what I’m working on with myself. All that I really have any control over is my own actions and attitudes. The same goes for each of us.
I realize, even if my marriage ends and my wife never gets back together with me, I can be a better person tomorrow than I am today. I’ve had months to get used to the idea that I might be carrying on alone, as a divorced dad sharing custody of my youngest kids with her. It breaks my heart every time I think about it, but I’m prepared for the possibility. Some people find new love with someone else. I have one true love, I’ll wait as long as it takes for her, but she has her own free will to make her own choices. She may leave me and never come back.
If that happens, I’ll be okay.
You can be okay, too.
If you need support, you know that you can find it here. Reach out to friends, family, colleagues…build your support system. Find and focus on the things that fill you up, bolster your spirit, help you grow. Good luck.