I’m 20 and have been diagnosed recently with ADHD. I’m troubled with something and I just felt like venting.
From childhood I was a really hyperactive kid, a very curious one too. My teachers always complain about me. I tend to babble a lot just like Felicity smoak. Ha.
I can never stop talking. I was the kid in the class who asked a lot of questions, once I ended up asking questions for an entire session. My classmates hated me. But I never really cared about them at that time. I was the cool nerdy kid who was always curious and never cared about others.
But after I entered college everything turned upside down. I was a loner, I had no one to talk to. No one listened to my blabberings. I started to close down, I reduced going out. My study time got reduced. I lost my interests and curiosity. I’m still the funny kid, I’m still the kid who is always fresh and bright. But I can feel the changes in myself.
Is it due to the fact that I realized I can never be like them? That I can never finish off that entire series that they have been talking about? Or that movie?
I still miss that old me who had the most craziest questions and information. I miss that old me who was free and uninhibited without any social pressures. I miss the girl who sings and dances to her heart’s content. I still miss the good old days.
Now, all I feel is pressure and stress from all sides without any understanding or support from peers or family.
Even my self esteem has gotten so low, I’m not so sure about this post. Please don’t judge me.
The curious and excited-by-the-world you is still in there somewhere, and is still amazing😚
Young adulthood can be this weird no-mans land where you know enough to know that some of your previous behaviour is not socially acceptable but don’t yet know enough about how to conform a little bit without losing sight of the real you. So it seems you have a choice between being yourself and not being acceptable, or doing what you think is acceptable and feeling like you’re pretending to be something that you are not and don’t even like. Well it was for me anyway. I even had a badge saying ‘I am the person your mother warned you about’.
At some point I realised that
a) I am a good person and so there should be people who can like me
b) if I haven’t found very many of them yet I haven’t looked in the right place
c) I know that I am an OK person, so the people who don’t see that are ‘also doing something wrong’. I am more interested in finding people who I can get on with than getting annoyed about people who have some fixed idea about who they can hang out with and that’s not who I am.
I am still the person who asks too many questions in class (I returned to studying as an adult). My classmates don’t all hate me because even if this is sometimes annoying, there are other things about me that they really appreciate. Like how I am very happy to share what I know, not just in class but in my free time.
What I am trying to say is that you can be happy without changing who you are.
If you decide to pipe down a little in class, remember that you can decide to just do this in some classes or on some days, you don’t have to do it all the time.
If there’s a deadline and the teacher needs to get through a lot in one session, those are the days I do my best to consciously ‘zip it’. But when I was 13 I got sent out for literally asking one question on a day like that, AFTER someone else had asked a question. The teacher just flipped when I did it. I suppose decades later I get why he got stressed at that point. Especially since my adhd brain brings up questions that are often on a tangent.
It is OK to be you. You just need to find your natural environment. Do you know that cartoon about the ‘fair test’: a fish, a monkey and an elephant are all being asked to climb a tree. Fish can’t climb trees, but they are really good swimmers. And that also doesn’t mean we have to be ostracised in our own world, we just need to find people who are happy to live near the sea.
Thank you so much for telling me that I’m not the only one going through this. I’m so happy to be a part of this tribe.
I think I now understand the parts where I have to tinker a bit. Masking my ADHD is a really really bad decision bcoz I lost my amazing self. I’ll try to accept myself for who I am. Thank you so much.
It society issue for trying to make everyone perfect when no one will
So I say screw society and its expectations instead break society’s expectations. However, it is challenging to be so against the grain with a brain that is not society’s version of normal. But we created our version of normal on this forum and youtube. Also, it takes time to get comfortable with self-acceptance, and I still struggle with it from time to time with being deaf and having ADHD. But I say I don’t care what others think of me. I know I should get accommodations so screw society for making me ashamed of my accommodations, screw society for making me ashamed of my disabilities. It takes time to get to the point where you don’t care what others think about you, and you do you.
Sorry for this being long. I have many issues with a society that I feel need to be changed, but that’s for another time. It takes time to accept who you are, and everyone’s self-acceptance happens at a different rate. I am still learning to be self-accepting of who I am because it’s hard when I struggle at something I know I am good at, and its harder struggling at subjects I am not good at when everyone around me gets it. But we are all active in the end because we fight twice as hard to be “normal” when there is not a good definition out there of what normal is.