All very good ideas.
But it all resolved itselves. The VPN gave me the money back very nicely, and said the person who had refused the refund was really not following company policy. The bookseller was simply incompetent at communication, while they had already refunded the money which should soon clear back to my credit card. The website host hasn’t yet responded but everything is working adequately, so as long as I suffer the fact that it isn’t exactly what I have a self-imagined right to expect, nevertheless it is certainly something they could charge in the range of that amount of money for and it isn’t broken, it works properly. So, am I a-OK? Dunno, other business problems lurk, I’m sure I can find another letter to the editor or a complaint to the customer service department to write, soon enough.
One interesting part, to me, is that all three of the businesses really tried hard to look bad. They exacerbated the problems by going out of their way to reject my suggestions and by proactively putting their foot down on the supposed moral high ground that … gosh … they weren’t occupying. “We must have things upstanding and right! We insist on upstandingness! You are crazy with your position. Therefore … oh, oops, wait, now we have to fix what we did to make it upstanding.” It was like, they all wanted to make SURE they looked as bad as possible. The bookseller was really ridiculous, let me tell you. They started by saying the “return was uncanceled” and moved on to other brilliancies, until the last phrase they used with me was that they had “obviously recanceled the return fund”. You’d think someone in the business of books would value the English language a bit more. When I asked them what the heck that meant, they told me to stop contacting them and contact “the site” instead. That’s when I started to get angry about Trotsky and the Mounties, and wrote my first post above.
But none of the developments above have much to do with ADHD.
On to the more psychological subject at hand. So, it seems to me, one problem with being an ADHDer is, that we blow all these petty squabbles out of proportion. For me, it’s not so much in my emotions – I am pretty good at not having a hugely emotional fallout about whether the bookseller speaks plain English – but in my time expenditures. Somehow, I can get started, and then I will write, re-write, delete, reconsider, write and file away, set up for distribution and then un set up, a thousand emails all about what the heck is wrong with this business or that organization, send or not send them, write them again, go on forever. Hours and hours later, and I’m still typing. I might end up with a polite letter, having excised all the nasty bits. Or, after a good long wait, I might actually end up with the opposite, an all the more evil and more carefully considered stiletto right to the jugular of the person on the other end of the line, as Smoj reports of himself. Waiting doesn’t necessarily defuse my ire, but rather waiting might just fuel and hone my anger, instead. And in either case, usually, “waiting” means spending the whole interim time writing and deleting rough drafts, losing hours at the pointless task of waiting to do something, by acting like I’m doing all the other things that I shouldn’t do, even if I only act like it and don’t entirely do them.
It comes down to a sense of “being cheated” (again Smoj’s term). I’ve been told that ADHDers have an “overly keen” sense of justice, although I don’t really know what that is … Either you DO, or you DON’T, have a sense of justice, right? Well sure, there are some issues that hit on a middle ground, such that some people might dislike one resolution while others dislike another resolution, but in general, there’s a common sense among most people that you shouldn’t do wrong to others. (Certain politicians seem to lack this common opinion. We call them “unjust,” among other adjectives.) So, essentially, there’s no such thing (in my admittedly ADHD estimation) as having MORE or LESS keen a sense of justice. Justice is. It’s kind of like being in a “keen state of pregnancy.” Either she is or she isn’t, there’s no in between. I nevertheless have been told I have a keen sense of justice and injustice. I take this to mean, not that my sense of the just is keen, but that my ire at perceived injustices is greater than the ire experienced by most people. I’m not more keenly sure of what is just, but rather, I’m more angry at any little thing that I think is unjust.
Seems like merely a small semantic distinction. It’s a big difference, actually. As with many ADHD things, I think, it comes down to emotional control. The anger gets started, the snowball begins to roll down the hill, and it gets bigger and bigger. If I were still wheedling about “what do people mean, when they say, ‘keen sense of justice’?” then I think I’d never have noticed the more important issue. Not that I’ve solved that issue, but at least posts and threads like this help me notice it: emotional balance and control.
Next is my bank overseas, which I haven’t heard from in a decade … literally … wish me luck! I will not write angry emails. I will not write angry emails. I will not …