Soon to be diagnosed homeless brain

Hello fellow brains!

This is kinda hard for me as I literally have a phobia of talking to strangers online - I always end up paranoid and extremely self-conscious that they know everything about me - but my well, I guess it is shrink in english in swedish it is kurator, has been kind of pushing me to find support in other ways. So I’m gonna ramble a for a while as I just need to get things off my chest. I guess a trigger warning for child abuse, self-harm, and suicide is in order.

So I haven’t technically been diagnosed yet but my shrink is a fellow brain too and she recognised my experiences as ADHD. And all the additional research I have done has just really speak to me in a way nothing else ever has. So, ADHD diagnosis has been there for about 2-3 weeks, but I have been diagnosed with depression and panic disorder since I was twelve.

I didn’t have an easy childhood. My parents divorced when I was small. My mom became extremely sick and later passed away. And I had to watch a large part of my family become ill and die, unable to visit them as my mom was poor and they lived on the other side of the world. My mom was brazilian and my dad is swedish. My mom struggled with depression all through her life on top of her systemic sclerosis and later cancer diagnosis. So she never had a lot of energy so parenting my little sister fell to me. My dad was neglectful, had it not been for my grandfather looking after us my sister and I would have swam unsupervised in the pool. I remember running the streets alone, spending time in the garage doing wood work without an adult, and doing a bunch of stuff that there really should have been an adult present for.

Since a young age I have been verbally, mentally, and physically abused. My mother would hit me and jank my hair really hard when I did something bad. I still sometimes have vivid flashbacks of that happening. My dad is a sexist and racist so he would critique everything I did as a child and told me from a young age that men where better than women, and bullied me relentlessly regarding pronounciation of certain words, the two foremost being the swedish words for “cake” and “table”, it was to the point that I now a days can’t say these words without stuttering. My aunt called me fat and ugly since a young age. I was told that I wasn’t women enough because I wouldn’t wear make-up (which I didn’t as my face would get all itchy) or dresses (I get really bad anxiety wearing skirt and dresses, I need pants to function). Then there was my little sister and she made my life hell. She would chase me with knifes, hit me with pipes, just hit me in general. I remember looking myself in the bathroom to call my dad for help as my mom couldn’t handle her, and he would yell at me in turn.

If you are wondering I’m twenty this July. School has been up and down for me. Early years were hard, as I had a real hard time learning to read to the point I once broke down crying over it. Lucky for me my mom told my teacher and that teacher was nice enough to bring me to the side a few times a week until I became such a pro at reading that I finished reading the 7th Harry Potter book when I was eight (yes, I read them out of order). Maths was also hard, especially multiplication and division - despite that being my favorite subject to date a still struggle a lot with problem solving. I spaced out a lot and so on, but I managed to finish swedish primary school with extremely good grades. The same can not be said for gymnasiet (don’t know what the equivalent is internationally, but I would guess it is somewhat the equivalent of U.S college, I believe it is around the same ages.) As in Sweden we chose what programs we want to study (which then in turn has kind of a rigid system of courses you have to take, though you are free to freely pick 5 - 10, not sure though as I actually didn’t read a swedish program) I picked the IB. In the IB we joke about students be professional procrastinators, it has nothing on how bad it was for me. I couldn’t get anything done. I finished my first year just barely, and the second and third years were even harder. Which was not helped by my mother passing away in the summer of 2017. My depression just balloned and my anxiety got worse, not helped by me dropping the contact with the child psychologist I was going to (though how helpful she was is debatable). At the times I was at school I just couldn’t focus or keep up my school work. I got an extention of a year for the program, so I would be going 4 instead of 3 years, but that was barely any help considering how far behind I was, that half-way through my next to last term I dropped out. Instead I began to study at the swedish komvux, which was done at home. I had hoped it would give me time to focus on myself, but life doesn’t work out that way. I failed at that to, and now my schooling relies soley on whether or not I will be able to succed with the swedish Folkhögskola, which is a school that gives an adult the ability to finish their schooling so that they can continue on to either university or something else that allows you to become a productive member of society. I did at 18 get a drivers license and a car.

So during all of this, my dad also dumps his fiancé of over 10 years and gets together with the mother of one of my childhood friends, and suddenly he is the dad to seven more children. I am so mad at him. Because he treats them as he is their own and he gives them the love and attention he never gave me or my sister. There was so much fighting with the new girlfriend now wife, over cleaning and so on. The usual. Only to the extreme, they wanted me to clean up after them and that is not something I was going to do. We had gone from being 3 people in that house to 11. It was not easy. But I loved the kids and got well on with them. But she would get really mad when I bought them gifts and presents for their birthdays and the holidays. They (my dad and his wife) kept blaming the instability of their relationship on me and my sister. The wife flat out ignored me completely for four months, acted as if I didn’t exist. And at night I could hear them talking bad things about me and my sister. Five day before christmas he threw me out and I headed to my aunts place. My dad wanted us to come back for christmas and we were okay with that, but he then the day before christmas told us that it was better we spent christmas seperately, and he commemorated it with his new family instead. I decided that I wouldn’t return and I stayed with my aunt instead. Should be noted that I got an inheritance of 750k swedish kr, about 75k american dollars, and my father loaned a substansial amount 250k swedish kr, or 25k american dollars. I don’t have anything left of that money anymore as I either loaned it out to people or later had to pay to feed three mouths plus rent.

The first few months with my aunt were okay, because she was so depressed she couldn’t take care of herself so everything fell on to me. I cooked, cleaned, did the laundry, did the shopping, and made sure she was well fed. She had to be hospitalized for a time and when she came back better, everything went down hill from there. She would constantly criticise me, I couldn’t do anything right. The food I made was bad. The laundry was to wet when it was hung up to dry. The dishes weren’t clean enough. The apartment was dirty or messy. She is one of those persons that has to have everything pristine and I wasn’t like that. So when I began to give up and withdraw she began to complain about that as well. She would give these subtle comments about my weight implying that I was fat, she told me I smellt bad, and she kept saying bad things about me to people we knew. She claimed that she now understood why my dad threw me out, I was a lazy good for nothing worthless human being and I felt it from January to March I began to self-harm, I would cut my right leg deep enough to draw blood and sit there starring transfixed on the blood. I had begun seeing a shrink during this time, and he made me promise to stop that, so I did and began to pull my hair out instead. From March to June things became worse and I seriously atempted to take my life around 30 times. Most times I didn’t have the guts to pull through, and one time when I tried to choke myself to death it became to hard. During this time I finally managed to get in contact with the psychiatry and things were a bit better. But my aunt would repeatedly throw me out during this time and force me to spend my night in my car. I remember one time specifically, I had a bad stomach, couldn’t hold myself and was forced to clean up in a McDonald’s toilet. I remember feeling disgusting and worthless, but I clung to the new found hope of the school I got in to as I would also be allowed to live on campus. So I hung on, but things was hard. My aunt once called 112 (911 or 999) on me . Nothing had happened, I had just wanted to be alone and tried my best to signal this to them, I put on my headphones, turned up music, turned away from them, and even locked myself in the bathroom (my sister was living with us at this point). They said I was suicidal, I wasn’t then as I had just returned from meeting my new shrink - the one that recognised me as having ADHD. The ambulance came and I heard my aunt repeatedly calling me crazy and explaining to them how mad I was. They had to bring me to the emergency psychiatric unit, but I was later released. My aunt from that point on didn’t hold back on what she thought about my mental health. Whenever she threw me out she called me crazy, ugly fat, a whale, a liar, and so on. The last time she threw me out was 3 weeks ago. The first two night I got to stay at a hotel, first paid by child services as that first night my sister was with me, and the second night by my psychiatric unit. There after I was written in to emergency housing were I will be staying until school starts in August. Four days ago I also started on some ADHD medication - Bupropion - officially for my depression and anxiety - unofficially for my undiagnosed ADHD. I haven’t thought about killing myself or tried to do so since getting the emergency housing. As for my sister she got her own apartment from child services where I spend most of my days with her and my beautiful little doggo that we got from our mother (the last thing she got us). I’ll be 20 next week on Thursday and we are going to celebrate with strawberries.

I still struggle with everything. A big part of me really do believe everything was my fault, as I was the only constant in both situations. Maybe I didn’t clean enough or do it right. Maybe I was too introverted and should have socialised more. Maybe I really did smell, I know I’m fat and I want to work on that, but I just can’t at the moment, I need my comfort sodas and chocolates too much right now to give them up. I feel in part as if I deserve everything that has happened to me. And honestly the only thing that really keeps me going is my doggy, as I want to give him a wonderful life with me at the school (yes, he gets to tag along).

Thank you if you read through this whole mess. I would love to hear about your experiences, and you are more than welcome to share anything with me. I genuinely hope that you have a wonderful and beautiful day where ever you are. And if you can take something away from my story, is that getting rid of toxic people is really important and that you can get through anything. I believe in all of you fellow brains out there and I sincerly hope that none of you ever give up.

Kind regards,

Danila

5 Likes

Welcome to the community!

My first ADHD medication was bupropion as well. It worked well for me for a while, but I went off it due to a side effect and switched to a different medication. Hopefully bupropion is effective for you. I also hope you get to continue to learn and educate yourself on the diagnosis as well as skills to help manage moving forward.

A lot of what you shared is difficult to work through and will likely take time with your therapist and also a lot of self compassion. Be patient with yourself, and also continue to get support where and when you can. Recovery is a process filled with ups and downs, but the downs are less intense when you have other people you can reach out to. Even if they don’t answer, having them there can be a great relief.

Again, welcome!

3 Likes

I’m a newbie too, welcome!

It must have been hard to write all that down but liberating at the same time.

It sounds like you’ve been struggling with RSD (Rejection Sensitivity Disphoria) most of your life, especially with both of your parents gaslighting you/showing abusive behaviour.

You should look into RSD specifically and if you have a therapist who knows ADHD, ask them about it. It affects all of us and it can be detrimental to our social skills. We’re all in the same boat here so you won’t get any judgement from us :slight_smile:

3 Likes

I’ll be sure to look in to it.

2 Likes

Hi ButterKitten!

I’m so glad you reached out to the community, and I really hope you get the life you deserve! There are always people here for you, so be kind to yourself, because this community will be too. Even if it feels like the world is pulling you down, people here will be able to boost you up (hopefully). I wish I could reach through the internet and give you a hug like the kitten you are, but for now, I give you a warm, digital hug. :smile_cat:

I live in a very small house with my family, and it’s sometimes tough (my parents hid my first diagnosis from me because they said they didn’t want me to use it as a crutch and don’t quite understand what I go through although they are trying, bless them) and I’m not always entirely sure what’s just my fault, and how I can do anything. It’s also a bit tough at school because by chance and my teacher-mom being allowed to send me to the private school she works at for free, I go to a school where most, if not all of my friends are rich or live in VERY large house. Sometimes it gets a bit deppressing, and the sadness of making new friends only to have them leave a year or two into friendship is also hard. It also takes me a while to make friends in the first place and I find it hard to keep in touch with old friends. I’m really thankful to have my current group of friends (3 besides me) who, even if they don’t know I’m ADHD or even if I’m too shy to talk to them much are really kind.

I understand a bit how you are feeling and hope you understand that others here will too, and I thank you dearly for your encouragement. I was feeling a bit down today, and this post made me a bit happier. You’ve made me a lot more thankful for what I have, (meaning no offence to you of course) and I hope you know you have made my day. I am glad you have an loving animal in your life, and I wish I had one too sometimes. I hope others get to hear your story, and get to share their experiences too. Let’s hope that life gets better, and that one day we can soar above the world!

Warm hugs, kind thoughts, and open wings from,

SilverStar / Silvestria

P.S, (This is not my real name because I am to shy to say it here and very self conscious about it, but I wish it was. :bird: )

3 Likes

Hi Silvestria!

Your words have really warmed my heart. About a month and a half ago I finally moved into my room at the dorm, and my dog and I have finally settled down. I am really thankful for having him.

I have once more hit a rough patch regarding my mental health and that is mostly because I have been slacking on taking my medication. Part of it is my fault and some of it has been out of my hands - mostly not having the funds to buy a smaller amount of ADHD meds while waiting for the larger pack to finds its way to me. I have been four days without my meds and I seriously don’t know how I used to make it. I am not doing my school work and if I do it i retain no information. I have a hard time focusing on the road while driving and my concept of time has become all wack again. Getting my pills tomorrow however and I’m really looking forward to it, as well as meeting with my school counsler on Thursday.

Don’t know where to put it but I needed to get it off my chest. Our dorm experienced a fire about a week ago and everything has been crazy hectic. Like I am super afraid of fire - like lit candles scare me to death - so running head first into a room with a raging fire to hand over a fire extinguisher is not an experience I personally recommend. But there was no major damage - mostly smoke and soot in the room the fire started - and no one was hurt, just startled animals and people. :slight_smile:

2 Likes

Nice to see you here again. Seems some things have settled down a bit for you . . . Good!

Can you describe your dog? Post a picture?

I have one named Lucy!

image

We had another . . . “Dodger” . . . who died 5 months ago. He was 10 pounds of attitude, clownishness and love!

Keep us posted on how you’re doing. Good hearing from you . . . No matter what!

3 Likes


He’s a dapper fella :smile:

3 Likes

I’m so sorry for your loss.

2 Likes

He certainly is . . .

Lovely!

3 Likes

Thank you . . .

3 Likes

Hi ButterKitten!

Glad to hear things have been going a bit better for you (minus the fire part), and I can say I hope it keeps going better for you. :slight_smile:

If you’re having trouble with concentrating and all the things we ADHD brains have trouble with, don’t worry you can make it. My ADHD gives me a lot of trouble too, and I’m experiencing the same kinds of things you are right now, so I feel you. I’ve actually never had meds for ADHD or had regular talks with a counselor or phychiatrist and am having a lot of trouble suggesting to my parents that it might help. I’ve gotten through most of my school life like this though, and can confirm it just takes a rhythm. What is it like to use ADHD meds though? How much does it help and what do they do? I also a bit curious about how much talking to someone regularly would help.

I hope you stay safe!

Encouraging smiles, hopeful wishes, and open wings from,

SilverStar / Silvestria :bird:

P.S. You have a really cute dog! If you can, give them a pet from me! :smile:

2 Likes

Hi Brooklyn!

I’m sorry for your loss, and I’m glad you still have a fur friend in your life to help you with that.
Both dogs look adorable and I honestly a bit jealous of both. :smile:

I wish Lucy great health and happy times (and you too of course). When you can, give her a stroke or two from Silvestria. :smiley:

Happy times, well wishing, and open wings from,

SilverStar / Silvestria :bird:

2 Likes

Hi Sylvestria -

Thank you for your kind words.

“Fur friend” . . . Love it!

Lucy loved the proxy hugs on your behalf. She insisted on many! :dog:

3 Likes

Glad to hear it! :smiley:

2 Likes

If I remember correctly Jessica compared using ADHD meds to putting on a pair of glasses - and for someone that uses both I completely agree. Like it is hard to explain but I can say that I am much more productive during the days I have taken my meds. Mostly I notice a change when I have forgotten to take my meds or when the effect is going away. My thought patterns become more sporadic and I have a real hard time focusing on things in front of me like driving for example. (Funny and true story, the first one to suggest I might have ADHD is my driving instructor :rofl:) I can put it like this - I didn’t realize how much my ADHD affected me until I began taking my meds.
As for the regular therapy I’ve been talking to a counsler since I was twelve, and up until rescently it was only for my depression and anxiety. I would however recommend it for you as it can really help you finding ways to cope with all of lifes problems, and as we all have ADHD and live in a world very unfriendly to it, I feel like we need an outside source to cheer us on. Just make sure your counsler is well versed with ADHD or at least know about it.
I don’t know about your parents, but maybe try talking to them about your concerns regarding school and such, and that you therefore would like to meet with a doctor/psychiatrist to discuss the possibility of medication. I’m guessing that you are from the U.S (as most people on the forum seems to be from there), I am myself from Sweden as you may have deduced , and from what I understand there are a lot of hoops to hop through concering anything about health. But should you still want to try it, I would suggest posting in the community forum and asking about it. There are a lot of fellow brains in the U.S that know way more about the U.S healthcare system than a cave goblin from Sweden XD.
I hope that you have a wonderful day and that you can get all the help you need and deserve.

Kind regards,

The cave goblin from Sweden

3 Likes

Hi Butterkitten,

Sorry I didn’t respond quickly, and thanks for the reccomendation. I’m still not sure how much a counselor would help because I’m really shy and have gotten good at hiding my feelings. I’ll try asking my parents.

By the way I’m not in the US and am quite glad about that (given the current situation), but I’m not sure the UK is much better currently. Wish I was still in Germany right now. :slight_smile:

Smiles, thanks and open wings from,

Silvestria / SilverStar :bird:

P.S. It’s nice to meet a Swedish cave goblin! :laughing:

2 Likes

This will be brave for me as I am scared of posting stuff. I struggle with Trich (abbreviation for hair pulling) a lot. I have trouble not doing it. I feel like it is just me that has trouble with trich and everyone else has it easy. It really isn’t and I spend way to long regretting my life. My goal is to not immediately delete this. I will eventually but I will try to give it time. I am scared of admitting anything as I was always bullied. I am just scared of being picked on again (emotional or physical (yes I got physical bullied at school and no one cared)). I was always the kid that focused on grades more then mental health. I felt as if grades were all that mattered as my friends kept turning against me. Sometimes I question if my friends are actually my friends. I don’t understand why I am so worried. I am too scared to do a post on this and barely brave enough as a reply. (People tend to read them less or I am just telling myself that) what you said made me feel better (sorry) and feel that Trich is possible to overcome. Thanks for that, you have made me feel better (I AM NOT TEARING YOU DOWN).

4 Likes

Pease keep this post . . . And post more as much as you like! You are welcome here . . . As all of us are, and always have been! I have never seen anyone bullied or ridiculed. I have been met with warmth and support from the get-go . . .

So welcome and give us a chance to be here for you . . . And in turn you can do the same!

:sunglasses:

4 Likes

I didn’t think anyone would here. Still it makes it hard for me to open up even if I know nothing bad will happen. I might just need to get use to it. By the way that was my first post on the site so some progress at least.

4 Likes