Hello fellows. This started as a video comment, but i figured it should be a bit longer.
For the introduction - my name is Nick, i’m a 28yo guy living in western Russia. I never was officially diagnosed, but first i heard of me maybe-having-an-ADHD was around 10-12 years. I suppose, i’m never going to be officially diagnosed, because of Russia being a hate state for any kind of non-standart people, and anything official will sooner or later lead you to lacking of some rights. As if you had a lot of them here anyway.
Also, any ADHD medication is strictly prohibited here as precursors of amphetamine drugs anyway, so there is no benefit, only trouble of asking for help. And i generally hate asking for anything, because it puts me in some kind of debt. I really don’t like being in debt, as i always thought of it like being some kind of enslaved. First for an hour, then for a day, then you shut your eyes for a second and there is like 40 years of debts, so it gets easier to go out in blaze than to repay.
So, i have to tackle my troubles all by myself. Let’s start my introduction with “i’m familiar with that”.
Original comment i was going to post under one of early videos(the one about why we can focus on games, and there was an idea of getting mostly negative feedback in real life, which kind of triggered me to think about it) was:
"I kinda figured i hate school. Then education at all. Then full time jobs. Then being self-employed. Then making my things by myself. In between - i figured i hate judgmental people. And weather, and roads, and all kinds of stuff. I almost hate to go outside at all, and i’m pretty sure i’m going to hate sitting all day at my pc very soon, since trading stocks is boring, and i feel running out of interesting stuff on the net. I went to 112kg of weight(because i hated the lack of feeling good), then reduced to 71(because i hated being fat) meanwhile. I hate to earn, and i hate to spend.
I probably have one of the biggest walls of awful there ever were, because i was really hyperfocused in my ingenuity to live without everything i hated, and i tried a lot. I have a lot of skills with almost zero motivation to use any of them right now. Sometimes i think that i built myself the perfect custom-fitted prison.
Also, looks like i almost never had positive feedback in real life. Or it was like a lot of dB quieter than negative.
*I like games. But sometimes i feel that i force myself to play a game, because it’s not giving me enough new feedback anymore to feel good about it - but the other options of what to do with my time are ever worse. *
I never got really good at them, or probably anything for that matter."
I want to expand that thought, and maybe tell my story more, if somebody’s interested.
Please sorry if my thoughts sound inconsistent, as it’s a bit hard for me to concentrate my thoughts while tackling a foreign language.
It always was like this: I try to do something. It’s okay as long as it goes well. When it stops going well, i have maybe 3-5 tries before something shuts my motivation to do that completely. Each being more and more desperate.
I learn very quickly, so i tried a lot of stuff. It’s not too hard when you can google up how to do or make almost everything. But i always lose all my motivation in every single work process. Like, i know(or knew, but forgot) how to do it, but i don’t want to anymore. Building houses, fixing cars, hauling loads, whatever. Not like a true master of that art would have done it, but enough to call it done and usable.
I ended up quitting almost every community i ever participated in, because sooner or later i got some arguements with them, and then there were judgements, and then there were meltdowns, and sometimes i was scared of possible outcomes(yep, ferrari with bicycle brakes here) afterwards, so it’s basically safer to be alone.
I had to grow acceptance, because i had no way to not live in unfinished projects. I suppose, i don’t even care anymore about anything around being unperfect. Or unfinished. As long as it doesn’t actively cause discomfort.
So, i basically live in a garage i built myself in the country, at some distance from town i was born in. I don’t have a lot, but not a dollar of debt. I have little to no expenses apart from power, heat and food. Almost nothing makes me get out against my will.
I had to develop a discipline to get any material and emotional baits out of my sight. So, no shops, no comments sections, attempts of incoming information filtering on myself, etc.
Then, that’s the time when a headline gets there. I’m not sure where that road leads me. It’s a life i dreamt about when i was feeling overwhelmed by stuff i hated. “I want all this out of my life!” And now, when all i hated is out, sometimes i feel that there is not so much left in it.
But there were reasons why i wanted it to stop, aren’t they? I felt genuinely bad when encountered every single situation i don’t want to get back to. It’s said that “first step to stop hating something or someone is to get closer to it”, but i don’t really want to, because i remember the discomfort, and sometimes even pain, when i already tried.
I fear that my own judgment became more of black-and-white type. I processed so much information that it was hard to accept a shade of gray for every single thing i heard. I recognise this problem, but it’s not like you can reload a lifetime of info and reevaluate every single fact.
I am curious about another people like me, who had similar problems.
Well, i have to stop for now, it’s becoming harder to focus. Thanks to everyone who had one to read through all that puddle of thoughts. You’re the best!