Struggling to understand. Hugs are welcome, but most of all; can you relate to any of this?

adhdlife

#1

Hi. I ask for patience. 1. English is not my native tongue. 2. I will be rambling.
I am trying to figure out my emotions and behavior. What can be attributed to ADHD, and what is just normal/neurotypical, whatever that is.
I got diagnosed when I was past 50. Medicated with Ritalin. It helps somewhat, but unfortunately not much with organizing myself.
My mother died some weeks ago, very unexpected, after a brief hospitalization. I am not sure if I grieve. Actually I felt very calm and focused the last weeks she lived. Sitting by her bedside was the most peaceful days for years, or decades, at least when left alone. When my siblings, who frankly are not very normal either, were anxious, or repeated the same questions to the doctors, I sought out information and found the process interesting in a way. Maybe I hyperfocused, or went into “do what you have to do” mode as usual. Now I just feel empty. But sad as I am writing. Probably normal. But I am not sure about this detached mode.
I struggle to get things done. I tell my self it is probably bereavement, but cannot accept it. It is nothing new. My usual mode is being overwhelmed with everything I have to do, small stuff, big stuff, what to do first, last, not get distracted. It seems like I only can get things done when stressed, doing stuff on the run. When I do not have much to do, I procrastinate. My point is, am I just excusing myself for doing nothing, as I do the same thing in periods when life is quiet, or should I “be kind to myself” (cringe)?
This could have been written in some “what is it like to be neurotypical” tread, which in fact prompted me to write my first topic. So I will continue in that vein. I have never felt much in common with “normal people”. And I have never really wanted to. I have always struggled to understand their interests and behavior. After getting diagnosed, I feel partly sad, partly ashamed when I get flashbacks from various encounters with other people. I long for understanding, but shy away from asking for it. Want to find my tribe, but at the same time continue to be a loner.
anyway, I think will stop here, forgot some of my initial thoughts.
Now I remember, it was something not very related. My biggest struggle is organizing and expressing thoughts orally or in text. I am very good at searching out information, provided it is interesting, but I collect too much detail, get stuck in presenting facts correctly (checking back again and again, because I do not remember, to get things right), get stuck searching for words, or the proper line of arguments. I start out organizing text, but always end up in a mess. Very time consuming, and medication does not help.


#2

Hey mate you okay ?
There are others in the forums below direct under this section im going out overwise i would have stayed around but will be back.
See you soon
Andy :grin:


#3

Thank you, :blush:


#4

Hi @DidrikM,

I’m so sorry to hear about your mother. I do relate to the questions you are asking yourself about whether you might be using your bereavement as an excuse for doing nothing. I’ve berated myself in a similar way when I’ve struggled to function during traumatic times, wondering if I was being self-indulgent and looking for excuses, since it was only a slightly more intense version of how I’d been behaving already. But in the end, I think the fact that you are questioning it shows that you don’t just want to make excuses and you’re not just letting yourself off the hook. And YES, as cringey as may sound, you should be kind to yourself. Easier said than done, I know, but no reasonable person could possibly blame you for struggling to get stuff done when you have ADHD and are recently bereaved.

This is also my biggest struggle and ironically enough I think you’ve just expressed it BRILLIANTLY. Seriously, it’s uncanny how much I relate to this. I’m trying to finish a big writing project at the moment and it’s like I’m stuck in my own personal hell. I have all the information I need but I can spend weeks and not manage to commit more than a couple of sentences to the page.

What I’m trying to say is just that you’re not alone and if you want to find your tribe, you’ve come to the right place! :hugs:


#5

No one can tell you the right way to grieve. Let yourself feel what you feel without imposing judgement on yourself.

If you can, and if it helps, talk with friends and family you trust will not judge you. Don’t be afraid to see a therapist if you think it will help.

On the other hand, there is nothing wrong with wanting to be alone.

The fact that you were engaged and useful during a family crisis is both expected for an ADHDer and good for you and your family.

We tend to be very good in a crisis and fall apart when things go back to normal. Keep working finding/using treatments and strategies that help you with your day to day.

It’s not your fault that our brains are different and this world isn’t made for us.


#6

Thank you for kind words. You are right about “default mode”, only more than normal.
And yes, I can struggle for an hour to write a couple of words. It is hell, but when I after a while have to read my produkt (cannot stand looking at it), it is actually quite good :sunglasses:


#7

Thank you😊 True, seems like we need crises to function properly🤔


#8

Sorry for your loss. I can only imagine how hard it must be for you right now.

I think what you’re saying makes a lot of sense, I relate to the collecting too much information and getting stuck on the minor details very much. It’s hard sometimes to see the big picture for the tiny details. And vice versa also.

Like others have said here, don’t beat yourself up about whether what you’re feeling is “normal” or not. I think in a traumatic situation like losing a close loved one, there is no “normal” as we’re all different and process our emotions differently.

I remember when my grandmother died a couple of years ago, I was quite upset with myself over how apparently little I was grieving my grandmother. I felt guilty for not crying 24/7. Because I think that’s what popular culture and the media often portray grievance as.
But it didn’t mean I didn’t grieve the loss of my grandmother, I still miss her. I just processed and showed my emotions differently to how it is expected.

Some people need a lot of time by themselves, some need to be surrounded by friends and family, some need to dive into work to occupy their mind with something else. I think all of this is okay, and at the end of the day, don’t worry about what yiu “should” be doing or feeling. You just need to endure the rollercoaster for a while…

Lots of love and hugs!


#9

Thank you. True, Feelings show in many different ways. Seems like I belong in this tribe :blush:


#10

Hiya Mate, im normaly around if not i have FB +discord+email addresses over on my thread on international :+1:


#11

Thank you for concern and support, mate, I appreciate that very much :blush:


#12

ADHD brains are really good in a crisis because we’re impulsive and we act quickly and decisively. And if we’re smart (and you sound like you are), we tend to make the right call. We know what to do and we do it right away. It’s when things slow down that it’s harder for us to do things and that impulsivity gets us in trouble.

Have you tried any other medications, or adjusted your dose to see what works best for you? If not, I definitely suggest working with your prescribing doctor to do that, because medication can help with a lot of the executive function issues your describing. If you’ve done that already, then it’s time to try some TECHNIQUES. But that requires knowing a little bit more about what you’re trying to accomplish.

It sounds like you have a specific thing your working on getting done, that involves writing and/or discussing something?

As for going back and forth when writing, I wrote this comment about 5 6 7 times and I keep editing and changing it. Before I hit the post button, I try to look at what I’ve written from your POV and see if it’s actually helpful or if I just made a bunch of assumptions and added stuff that I find helpful. And I cut a lot of stuff out.


#13

Thank you :blush:I am not sure if there is more to do with medication, max dosage, unless maybe change to something else. But as far as I understand medication does not alleviate problems with analyzing, selecting whats essential, and then writing up a comprehensive and fairly short report. I do complex evaluations.
Please correct me if I am wrong, anybody.
I think you are right about working best in crises, not getting started when nothing is at stake. And when pointing out that writing is hard and always takes longer than expected. But somehow I cannot accept it. I get frustrated when peers say they love writing, no problem (sometimes maybe they should put in a bit more effort). Probably I have to accept that I need more time. BUT I DO NOT WANT TO :sunglasses:


#14

Medication helps me be able to focus enough to express myself, definitely. Otherwise I start, get distracted, come back, have to figure out where I left off, start again, get distracted, etc. It helps get rid of the “get distracted” part, though not 100%. I tried a few different things and ended up coming back around to one I’d tried before, but it was good to know how some of the other medications would affect me (especially different release schedules).

If it’s a specific task you’re trying to accomplish, I highly recommend trying the Pomodoro Technique (Jessica outlines how to do it and why it works well for ADHD in this video). I use this online timer at work. It really does help focus on a single task when you have a set time that you have to focus and then you can take a break.


#15

Your description is quite similar to my experience. Once I get started I hyperfocus, but keep forgetting pieces of information, or brilliant sentences I just made in my head. Or I figure out a Nice sequence of arguments, just to forget it, or start out organizing layout on paper but end up in illegible mess
I will check out the video, maybe useful for finishing subtasks one by one? Or quit procrastination


#16

Hey there we have a discord chat server if you want to just have a chat i will give you a link to join … im andy aswell . I will be un there now.


#17

Hey matey im in the chat back in15


#18

wow the snippit about organizing & great at collecting info then presenting HIT ME.


#19

Hi Didrik,

Honestly, I think your situation is a mix of several things. The grieving process freezes everything for most people, for those of us with ADHD leading to procrastination, it can make it way worse, especially as we have more time to ‘do nothing’ waiting to do ‘something’. And depending on your age and whether you’re retired or on early retirement, having the extra time won’t help at all either. For now, I think it’s OK for you to take it easy, get used to your new situation, and after a while try to get back into your routines.

But I did say it was a combination of things. What you described of procrastination and having it very much now, that’s probably thebloss of your mother and ADHD. Please entertain my other thought for a moment. Your feeling very little at your mother’s death, your struggle to understand neurotypical people, and an inability to relate in the way you’d like, I am wondering whether you may be on the autism spectrum as well, either mild autism or maybe Aspergers. I don’t have it myself, but know several who feel and describe feelings similar to how you’re feeling about people, and how it’s hard to understand and relate to them. This might be something you can discuss with a therapists or psychologist. They do have a generally pretty good test for it that might help figure out what is going on, so you can find out exactly how you’re doing, and go from there. It’s always easier to find a solution when you start in the right place. And knowledge will give you that starting place!

Good luck, and held og lykke/lykke til!

Michael


#20

Thank you for considerate reply. I think you have a quite good understanding of my situation and condition. I think my family is rather neuroatypical. And I am by far not the worst. So probably a dash of ASD traits.
I feel a bit better. Encouragement from you guys have been helpful. I try to do something from my to-do list every day and and exercise regularly. That helps for a while.
So I just have get gradually back on track. And continue figuring out how my brain works.