The Big thread about everyday struggle.

Hi
Iam Mathias, 42 years old, self-employed and have ADHD and dyslexia. Iw been on medicines since I was ten. I know a lot about the benefits and the struggles that comes with ADHD.

Days of struggle.
Its been a month of struggle, and today I must turn it around or I am afraid it all will blow up. To many tasks  seek children  bills building up  Procrastination  cabooom. Iam on the final step before caboom. Naturally there’s a life after the caboom as well, but I don wona get that far. Hopefully I can chare with you my steps back to where Iam in charge. The first step will be to take the control back, and you are a witness. Be reading this thread right now. This is not recorded. Its live and happening right now. Plz cheer on me, I need your support.

Ill break my days up in steps. The days are is in the post date, and the steps begins in the morning.
Todays step 1.
I got up, my two year old kept crying mommy, as he is a mommies boy (to much in fact). The sound of him sow sweet but still hammering my head. The other three kids ( I got four), woke up one by one. Everyone with their own habits. Iam struggling to focus as my mind is very cloudy. Medicines has not kicked in and there’s a lot of noise. My wonderful wife helps the kids. I join in but my temper raises with the noise and the struggle to cope with my last month of build ups. I focus on one kid at a time. I got 2 out of four sorted out at to eat breakfast. My mind grasping for a quiet room, some space, a fantasy that I can wonder away in an become a part of a dream. But life I brutal. I check my Email in an attempt to get a reality check an wake up. There some positive and a few very bad. It feels like a cold shower. Its tuff, but Iw had tuff before and I know it can be the start of everything good. The monster hunts me and reminds me that I cannot procrastinate my life any more. Its my life and I am taking it back.
…Its 0747 am. I got to walk my kid to school before confronting the email monsters…

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…my emails… I also have my
unanswered Phone Calls, unopened post, unpayed bills, and other todoes. Holy shit, and by thinking of it I used to feel like going back to my Fantasy wonder world. Today I started with; I cant do that. It will caboom. Right now I feel a tiny, tiny, tiny eager to begin. Ok, here goes, lets start with the nice emails. Iam gona give em short and to the point answers, not leading into unnecessary long
back and forth conversations. I have not began. Iam procrastinating. Ok, ill use the 25min pomodoro:


Wish me luck.
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I did it, and Iam proud. But theres no magic going on. Iam still feel guttet about whats to come. Gona give me 10 min break (I think 5 min is to short), and ill try to keep this up the next two houres.

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I did another 25min. I think the magic is starting. I feeling a tiny sensation of relief and control.

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I forgot to set my Pomodoro and did a 35 min session. Some of the fear for the email monster came back. I feel that this can have something to do with my medecines. I take ritalin. (this is the first time I have said that in public). But if i take that aside Iw got sow much work done, compared to the past month. And all thow i dont fill very exited about that, i know its great. 10 min break and then the final session before 12. And Iam reminding my selves that that was my goal this morning. Hmm. (me thinking of achiving this and what that means and how it can be used to catalyze me forward.)

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You are doing excellent so far😊.

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AT 1205pm i went to lunch for 40 min. And I added another 30 min to sleep, and another 30 min, and some for news reading. lol.buhhuu
But before lunch i went thru all my emails, and yeas there are a few monsters there, but there were also a lot off interest in my business, yeah good positive emails. Iw got only one phone call so fare today and that suits me well, and I have not answered it. Concluded fast that it would interfere with my work. hmmm. But you know that’s not only whats up. Iam struggling with a fear off something will hit hard.

If i can get 5 hours of work today I will be very happy. Sow I will put in another 25 min right now, before fetching one off my kids from school. And the last 3x25m I will use on my monstrous mails. Not necessary reply but thinking out strategies on how to solve/address the matter.

Wish me luck, Lovehugs M.

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Thank you so much.

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This is great! You’re an inspiration…

Or maybe I mean I would like you to be an inspiration. I have been hiding from the real stuff all day and you’re really going for it! Cool!

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That is the nicest thing anyone have said to me in so many years. I did not finish the day as i wonted it, did not get through the monster emails. But I have committed today. And you all know how hard it is. How much energy we put in getting things done. Getting the things done that actually will help us forward and give us our smiles back. Iam told that I was the happies and the angriest as a kid. But mostly the happies, until the school showed to be more work than play. Anyway, I thank you so much again for those nice words. I will continue tomorrow, and feel free to join me. I will cheer for you.
Lovehugs M.

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It is 0400. I woke up 30 minutes ago. The anxiety takes me out of a dormant dreamland and into a waking dream-like nightmare. I need to continue where I left off yesterday. But I’m not looking forward to it. I really dislike this. The feeling of failure. So unfair that it comes in the middle of the night after a day of good progress. But maybe that’s a good sign. A sign of change. Maybe I can turn it around that anxiety is a healthy sign of change. Seems a bit remote right now. lol. Gallows Humor. But I have to keep working, I have to wake up from this nightmare to show myself and those out there that I can. Now I’m going to make myself a cup of tea. Tomorrow I will continue with 25 minutes of work sessions. Something better must come out of this. This is not the end.

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Day 2: A wave of emotions

One of the things I find challenging with ADHD is how my emotions change. They can change a lot from minute to minute. I say can, because it is not always so. But when there is something I dread, it is so. This has so far been such a day. To use a metaphor it feels like I’m out surfing but can’t make it. It goes without saying that lying behind the wave is much more tiring than lying ahead of the wave. When you lie ahead of the wave, you have the energy of the wave to surf.
Today, I think it’s big waves. Yes I say think for those waves have built up big in my imaginative mind. This is typical for all of us. But the challenge I have is that I have a lively imagination that has many years of training. I know I can drop surfing today, but the waves just get bigger and bigger. The waves get bigger as I write this (which in a way is a kind of postponement since it is all 0930am). So what do I do.

I can hear the bed enticing me with warm comforters and wonderful dreams. And as I write this, the thought becomes more and more material. I have to close that door right away.

I need to focus. I need the wave energy today. Today I will address the tasks I have really dreaded. When I say this, I feel the idea of ​​success materializes.

This is strange. My feelings are very much linked to my actions. This is really nothing new but came out very clearly now.

Now there’s enough talk. Correct action is required. I start with 2x25 minutes of pomodoro time.

Wish me luck.

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You are doing great. But remember it is not all or nothing. The important thing is that you are making a serious effort, moving forward step by step. And an occational sidestep or backstep. Do not be too hard on yourself.

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Here DidrikM
I read your answer just before I went out. So I thought about this a little while I was walking. Thank you for reminding me about keeping a sustainable goal .
I have not been as open as I am here in this thread before. Well, I have gone to a psychologist but that is a one to one session. I don’t know if you read the whole thread, but you touch an important aspect of me. For me, it’s often all or nothing. In fact, I’m not sure what it means to be in between all or nothing. As long as I can remember while been taking medicine it has been like this. Its like: There is a timelimit that need to be used, and usually pretty good as iam already far behind. The contrast to when I’m not on is quite large. At least it feels that way since i tend to measure my success according to what I’ve achieved. (I remember I signed a letter 25 years ago with BR lazy perfectionist). I will allow myself not to conclude on this today, but rather dwell on the issue i will. Then I’ll see what comes out of it. If you feel like it, please elaborate on a more general level. Or anyone else for that matter.

LoveHugs Mathias.

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I know the all and nothing modes very well too.

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Day 3: A few awards

Today I want to give myself some awards. At least that’s what I say to myself. That means I’m going to do some pomodoro 25’s that are not work related. Well indirectly they are. And I want to do the tasks somewhere between “all or nothing”. What is to be done will be done well, and if I do not finish during the first pomodoro, I shall give myself one more, but no more two. At the same time, I should keep in mind that the world does not collapse if I do not get to this task done but be happy with what iw accomplished.
The first task is to clean the office. But before that i need to get my kids to shcool.
Wish me luck.
Lovehugs Mathias.

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NB: I slept much better tonight.

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Sorry for delayed answer. It just struck me as I was reading your posts, that you were very dedicated and made a great effort, which often is hard to sustain. So I got worried that unavoidable set-backs would discourage you. Something in your “voice” made me think you might be a fellow all-or-nothing" guy. We tend to be too hard on ourselves. As soon as we stumble we forget that we have climbed plenty of mountains.

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I don’t really want to write but it helps me focus. It helps me see the path I need to take.
The office is now super tidy😀. But then got a monster mail from a client’s lawyer. It really stuck in my chest, I became nauseous and dizzy, but kept calm and scheduled a meeting tomorrow. I wish the last month with four kids with the flu, little money, and ADHD could give me a green card. A break, a free ride. But there are no free rides. Not as far as I can see. But I have the love of my wife and my children and I have found you. We are not alone. We will fight. Everything is possible. Lovehugs and god nigth wherever you are. M.

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Thank you so much DidrikM

I read a bit about all or nothing thinking. There is some resemblence there. Continue to think about that i will. :face_with_monocle:
My situation is tens and this thread is in a way also my battle thread. I need the support, energy and clearity this thread is giving me. It can be all or nothing when I come to my work and that is a shame cause Iam comitted. I must and will remain optimistic. There are so many posibities, and positive outcomes. Saturday and sunday will be days off work. Tomorrow ill start at 1600 with a Fortnite playdate with my son. Damn its 1030pm. Way over my bed time.
NN all.

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