I’m a 22yo vet student and my recent life has been a total mess. From a stormy childhood thanks to my so called father, to a successful kid in highschool and now a complete disaster and a dissapointment to myself and everyone around.
My older sister has been diagnosed with severe depression and epilepsy 8 years ago and my younger sister just a few months ago with borderline personality and severe depression as well. I was always the kind of person everyone could rely on for everything and because of that, everyone thought that I’m a strong person and nothing can get to me. But ever since I was 12 I struggled with my emotions, I was extremely anxious about everything, insecure about myself, let down by everyone and saying to myself that I’m worthless and can’t do anything right, so I can’t expect people to treat me well. I went through panick attacks and depressive episodes countless times until around 20yo. All of these on my own, with no help from the close ones or any medical help. That’s because I always thought that no one would believe me if I was saying that something’s wrong with me.
But everything started to only get worse when I got into college at 20, after taking a year off to mentally recover (although I still didn’t seek any help).
No friends, no family contacts or someone I could share my struggles with made it all harder to begin with. Even if I was dealing with keeping my focus on important things, when I started studying it was when I really saw how things have gotten. I couldn’t attend classes because I couldn’t pay attention to what was the topic and my mind was racing with other different thoughts when I tried to go, but it was all a waste of time and I was leaving even more frustrated everytime.
I’m also dealing with sensory overload, which has made everything even more complicated than only not being able to focus because when I did, even for a few minutes, every noise and sounds would make me anxious and I was obsessing over them and take my mind off what I was trying to pay attention to in class.
First two years of college were terrible, whereas I lived in the dorm, only one room with other four roommates, never having my personal space or peace of mind and quietness, so I went through a really hard time and I had so many breakdown I couldn’t keep track of. I couldn’t make friends (or if there were any, they would quickly go away) because of my simptoms and my inability to accommodate to other’s behaviors and them not understanding mine (at the point I was not even understanding them myself), I was getting easily frustrated and making it harder for everyone.
So I got into my third year a few months ago, after a long summer break and I was so motivated and positive about what was coming next, knowing that I will move out to an apartment, having my animals around and so excited to have, for once, the space and silence to be able to study. Nothing went as planned. I got my own place with my sister and I have my animals with me, yes. But things started to go down really fast.
My borderline diagnosed sister broke up with her partner, had a suicide attempt and everything fell on me, I was facing all responsibilities myself and taking care of her too. I wanted to drop school because I couldn’t get everything done, I had two part-time jobs, couldn’t keep track of things, forgetting important tasks or feeling overwhelmed by the huge amount of things I had to do that I never knew when to start or what to do first.
My exams came along and as I started to study, I only became more and more dissapointed at my inability to stay focused and very oftenly found myself postponing studying because of how stressful it felt trying to do it and not being able to. And the thing that hurts most is that I love what I’m studying and I’m interested in it, I want it to work and be good at it. I’m just not. I had to miss three exams this semester because I couldn’t get prepared for them and for the ones I did, I only managed to study for them the night before as much as to pass.
I have trouble falling asleep at night, my mind is running in circles and hardly gives me a break, so I have to be really exhausted beforehand and still find it hard to fall asleep.
The reason why I never got professional help was, as early mentioned, because of the fear of no one believing in me and also because I never saw myself as a priority and took care of everything and everyone else except for myself.
What I mean to say with all of these, after seriously researching ADHD and doing several tests, I decided to seek medical help and I have my appointment on Friday. I am now really looking forward to getting a diagnose and hopefully medication to properly function, because all that’s keeping me back at the moment is ruining my life and what I want to do with it.
I’m happy to have found this platform and knowing that there are people who are struggling with simply being and are brave enough to look for help and accept themselves for what they are.