Hi! I’m a 19 year old man from the Netherlands and currently have a gap year. In the Netherlands the schooling system is a bit different, but I had pre-university education, which basicly means I was smart.
I started my BCs Applied Mathematics on the TU Delft, only to quit a few months later, because I couldn’t keep up. Almost always I didn’t make notes, do homework, or pay attention in lectures. I’ve had similar issues in middle/high school, where I also had a lot of trouble with starting projects and if I started, to continue working on it, resulting in nobody wanting to work with me. I finally got through after doing redo-year.
Right now I’m working three days a week on a school, helping students with their math-problems, since that’s on of the few things I feel I’m good at. I also take driving lessons twice a week.
I’ve never thought about having ADHD until very recently, when I accidentaly found myself on a website about it. I noticed I had a lot of similar problems (mind is always on the go, trouble getting to sleep before 02:30 AM, missing parts in conversations, always fidgeting, easily distracted, unable to start with even little tasks that should be easy, and difficulties focusing and shift-focusing). Except for my parents and siblings I haven’t told anyone that I’m getting myself checked, and I find it very hard to tell anyone about it, even on this website.
It’s been a month now and in two days I’m going to see a psychiatrist for the first time. The problem I’m having is that in the last month I’ve constantly been thinking about every move I make and it makes me anxious that I’m just making these symptoms worse in my head then they actually are. And somehow can’t seem to come up with any specific thing from before last months, aside from some major things I’ve had trouble with.
The last few weeks also makes me overthink things, so I could do them as someone with ADHD, or try to do it like any other person would (a.k.a. masking). I feel like I’m doing things to make myself feel like I have ADHD, which makes me doubt myself about actually having it, and it’s driving me nuts and I can’t shut it off.
I’m scared that I get diagnosed with ADHD while I don’t have ADHD, and I’m just lazy and just straight up weird. Or that I don’t get diagnosed while I actually have it. The last few weeks have been terrible for me, because of the permanent anxiety and headaches, because I can’t seem to let the thought of ADHD go. Especiallly the last few days - now that I’m actually going to see a therapist - I’ve been laying in bed without being able to think about anything else. I’m either thinking about it, watching videos about it, or reading forums and blogs about it.
I can’t seem to focus on anything else that normally get my focus, like playing video games. Usually I can play for hours on end without trouble, and now I can’t seem to do it for more then 30 minutes. I’m also scared for next year, because after summer I’m going to start with a BCs in Computer Science, and I’m afraid it will exactly the same, even though I do find it very interesting.
I was wondering if anyone has a similar experience like this, and if so, how did you get over it? Is there anything that helped taking your mind of it? Even if you don’t have a similar experience I would still like anyones thought on this. Thanks in advance.
Btw: I’m very sorry if I made some mistakes in my English, since I’ve never been very good at it and it’s not my native language.