What is wrong with me?


#1

I called out of work today. I’ve been getting over being sick, but I’m doing much better. I woke up late, but still could have made it on time if I’d hurried. But I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. I just sat at the kitchen table staring at the wood grain. Then I started to get angry with myself as the time slipped away and I officially would have been late. I told myself that my spouse is relying on me for an income, that I’ve been missing a lot of time lately due to sickness and depression, I’ve got a lot of bills that need to be paid so I need the overtime, and that there was no logical reason to miss today. And what was my brain’s response?

I want a quesadilla.

Seriously?! This should have been an easy day. Should have been an average Thursday with average tasks for 8 boring hours until I finally came home. I don’t understand myself. I’m burning through FMLA time like crazy. I can’t keep doing this. I’m so angry with myself right now.

It doesn’t help that mental illness isn’t well understood in my field of work. People tend to be… somewhat ignorant.

I feel pathetic. I am a grown-ass man who wants to curl up in a ball and hide.

…And now I’ve burned my quesadilla. Great.


#2

Some days are just hard. It’s a part of human behaviour to sometimes do the opisite of what you would think should be done. Particularly when things are a little stressful. I have had days just the same where I just didn’t bother and just slept the day away. Don’t be too hard on yourself. You understand what needs to be done and how to do it. Just like a lot of us here it’s building the momentum to get started. For me once I get rolling the day is ok but the getting out the door is somtimes hard work.

I set my alarm 1.5 hours before I need to be out the door. If I don’t have to leave before say 9 am I can cut than back to an hour.

I hit the snooze button 2 or 3 times. Stops me feeling like I have been drugged for the first 2 hours of the day.
I spend probably 20 - 30 mins in a hot shower.
Then I get dressed and get out the door.

This little ritual has been almost every working day of my life for the past 20 years. It works just fine and gets me out the door

If I have to be somewhere super early I just roll out of bed and put on clothes and leave

Man don’t beat yourself up everyone has rough days. Just get up and have another shot tomorrow. And remember just get yourself out the door and the rest will fall into place.

M


#3

You’re gonna be okay. Some days are worse than others but we soldier on. Lots of love. :heart:


#4

When your executive function runs out, it is almost like a sick day. I’m at the point in the week where I’ve run out of focus and energy to the point where I’m getting home from work and crawling into bed fully dressed with the light on because I just can’t do even the bare minimum. I’ve been considering calling in sick tomorrow when I’m physically fine, not even depressed really, I’m just absolutely mentally exhausted because it’s been a busy week at work where I’ve had to do a lot of problem solving and cope with a lot of difficult changes. It literally does feel like being sick, too sick to work. I will force myself in tomorrow, but luckily next week I’ve got three days booked off so I’ve cancelled all my weekend plans entirely.

You need to give yourself a break - normal tasks take so much more effort with ADHD and if you’ve been sick recently, then your ability to cope with that difficulty will have been reduced as your energy levels have been depleted and your routine will be out of wack. Executive function is really bloody hard! And you only have a limited capability for it!


#5

:heart::heart: :grin::grin::grinning:
SENDING HAPPINESS YOUR WAY!!!


#6

AND FEEL BETTER PLEASE!!!


#7

Sounds a lot like how I felt before I got diagnosed and started medication. Medication doesn’t make it go away, but helpse get over that little hurdle that keeps everything in place, and once I get going, it’s a lot easier. My ADHD is heavily in the executive function direction, so it sounds a LOT like that’s what you’re struggling with right now. I felt like SHIT when like this, wanting to apply for jobs, and just… couldn’t… Despite seriously needing a job. But yeah, for me medication helped me get started a bit. Still a push, but easier. Not for everyone, but worth a thought. I could have weeks at a time like that, but hopefully you get out of your funk/down-turn soon, man!:sweat_smile::+1:


#8

Thanks for the support everyone. I think I was having a minor bout with depression that was triggered from a lack of sleep. I’d been getting to bed around 10 pm every night and I get up at 4 am for work.

I get frustrated easily when I can not control my emotions/motivations, so I’m sure emotional disregulation was also playing a part in making things worse.


#9

Glad to hear you identified the probable reason and hope you’re feeling better after some decent sleep now!:sweat_smile: