I’m loosing hope that my life will ever be a happy one! Breaks my heart that daily fuctions of my life are almost to complete. I’m not sleeping and my marriage 2 my husband of 10 years is falling apart. Both of my babies have recently been diagnosed with adhd. If my husband can’t understand how my brain works than how is he gonna connect with the babies. I love in wv and there is no doctors close enough that can truly help I’m on strutara and it isn’t helping never had doc refuse to get any other meds because of the drug epidimic in this area. Non stimulants do no work for me. I’ve had and since I was 6 and I’ve never felt more hopeless and lost and scared in my life. I don’t know what to do I have no wear to turn
One step at a time is the only way forward.
And be kind to yourself.
Try to find ways of getting some sleep.
And remember that you cannot make your husband connect with the kids. They will have to work that out between themselves. And if he doesn’t, he’ll be missing out and they will still have you. But trust them. He wants to love his kids, they’ll find a way.
Things always look better when you’re not exhausted. And we’re here.
There are no easy answers. But there are others, here and elsewhere, who can understand and who want to be supportive to you. Stay connected with those people and those places that “do no harm” and offer something positive. I am new here too. But not a day goes by when I do not take time to come here . . . to look for support, and as is the case now the more frequent . . . to lend support. I have found that trying to support others helps me. We each find the ways that work best. We are all different, but then again very much the same. We speak the same “language”. We understand. We are here for you!
@Lustforlife is right… breathe. It’s gonna be okay. Right now it may not feel like it, but every other major event in life has passed in one way or another, and this one will too… deep breaths…
Just because meds are not a viable option right now, that doesn’t mean you are hopeless. It sounds like some coping mechanisms need to be built. It’s gonna be harder, but it is possible.
Obviously, we don’t know your life or what your exact struggles are, but here are a few ideas and you can run with them as you like.
Clean the table. Do this is sets of 10 minute periods. Take 3-5 minute breaks. Use the breaks to dance, make some coffee, whatever.
Make a big ole note, CLEANED TABLE! WHOOO! GO ME!!!
Set a timer for 10 minutes. Bum Rush the kitchen and clean stuff. Load the dishwasher, toss the trash, whatever. 10 minutes. Work in kitchen. Any non-kitchen item goes on the table, then you go right back to kitchen. DO NOT PUT THE NON-KITCHEN ITEM AWAY (yet)!
Take break. Marvel at what 10 minutes can do.
Attack the Kitchen again. Same rules. (you seeing the theme here?)
Once the kitchen is in a good enough state (NOT perfect, good enough. Counters are clear and sanitized. Sink is managable, and you can use the stove without setting a small fire off…), it’s back to the table. Take 10 minutes and clean the table.
Lets talk about Clothes, ba-by, lets talk about washer-dryer… (that … worked in my head…)
When the kids are home, if the dirty clothes are not sorted, get them dumped all in one pile (if you need to, the private stuff, lingerie, bras, etc can be taken out beforehand so you don’t have a wee one using something for a mask that they should not… I speak not from experience…). You and the kids must now defeat the LAUNDRY MONSTER!!! Along the edges of the room, maybe tape up some little signs. “Colors.” “Whites.” “Jeans.” “Towels.” The clothes get sorted into the piles.
Lets be clear. You do not, under ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, walk the shirt to a pile and drop it there. God no, why? You sit next to the big pile and you THROW THE SUCKER! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! And if you miss, send a minion to go get it and try their throw!
Clothes washed and clean now? (see below for why the floor is clean) Clean clothes go on the clean floor. In a big pile. All together. You and the kids, sit down. You grab Thing 1’s shirt. You throw it at their face. They fold and pile it in front of them. Thing 2 has your socks, they match. They ball them up (how I fold mine, into a ball) and toss them at you (… not the face… might hurt). Thing 1 has Thing 2’s jeans. They are lofted into the air in a parabolic arc to land draped across the head. Thing 2 folds them and grows their own defenses. It would be a shame if you somehow instigated sibling warfare by tossing Thing 2’s stuff to Thing 1 or vice versa. A real shame.
This game makes chores a bit more fun, and it involves the kids in taking care of the home.
My family was… is… messed up. Un-diagnosed in any of us until I was 14, and then only my dad, and I was second at thirty-freaking-four… bad habits crept in. Depression took hold. Our collective mental states went very south. My childhood was not great. But the memories I really cherish are when mom had my twin sister and I sit down and … sort and fold laundry. Like. WTF. How does that work? But it is because the only way mom found to engage us with it was to make it a game. The socks were separate, and we played “butt-ball”, where we would fold them up into the balls, and then try and hit each others butts with them. (ages 6-10 ish… but… not sure it was really appropriate. Our sense of what was good or not was… skewed…) Take this time with your kids as an chance to built coping skills into them also, and involve them into the care of the home.
Ok. Back to the house. Why is the floor clean? You cleaned it! How?
- Set a timer for 10 minutes. Move the piles of dirty laundry to the hall, bedroom, where-ever. Take 3 minute breaks so you don’t burn out. Start a load.
Once the clothes are moved, but still in the piles, attack the floor. I don’t care if the stuff lands on the couch. GET IT OFF THE FLOOR. The floor is item specific lava, and your job is safe the items.
Ok. Floor is clear of stuff? Get the Vacuum. (even on hard floors) Vacuum that sucker. Once that is done, swiffer/mop if it is a hard wood floor. Maybe if you have a deep cleaner do that once in a while. Not every time, cause you gotta use the floor soon.
Soon, you will have a floor! But don’t sit down yet… you can’t. The couch has stuff on it. Geeze, who put that there? Also, is the washer done? Move to dryer, start another load.
Ok. By now, you are a little cleaned out. Maybe you need to eat. make a light meal. Sandwich? Something easy, and easy to clean up. Get some sweet tea. or coffee. I say tea, cause it’s cold, and that is more refreshing to me when cleaning.
Right, lunch is done. Back to work.
Define a landing/launch pad for each room. Sort of what we did for the table, that is a launch pad. If you need to take a thing from a room when you leave the room, but not right now, put it in the launch pad. This should be near the room exit. If there are two exits in different areas, you may need two launch pads. A landing pad is where you drop items when you enter a room. Same rules as above, just for incoming traffic.
All the stuff on the couch/table? BLAST OFF! Right now the couch is acting as a temporary launch pad. For now, the kids beds can be a landing pad, though not long term. (I HATE having items ON my bed. Drives me nuts. So I don’t like the idea of causing bed clutter. Sorry.) Your bed can also be a landing pad. Set a timer for… you know… you can take a wild guess how long… and deliver the stuff to the appropriate landing pads. The Kids, if home from school, can help. Permit running, so long as items are not breakable. Scratch that. Enforce running. (Gets the happy and stimmy chemicals moving in the brain.)
By now, the floor and couch and table and mostly the kitchen are clean. Now, this may actually take MUCH longer than I have described, but I hope the idea behind it is clear. Chores do not have to be a chore, they can be a game, esp when kids are involved.
Breaks are ok. Needed, even, but they need to be regulated by a timer, and to have a plan for them. Taking a break to play FarmVille (… is that still a thing?) is a bad idea, since it is addictive and will distract too much, and you will never start cleaning again. Set a timer. Do a NON-SCREEN activity to break. Or just sit down and close your eyes. That works. The goal is to “de-spin”. When doing a thing (work, cleaning, whatever) the mind is “spinning up to speed.” When you take a break, you need to de-spin, or it won’t relax. That means less stimulation for a short time, or your stimming ability will short-term burn-out. Reading a book (not on a screen) is a de-spin. Using a screen, due to the light etc, seems in many peoples experience to be an up-spin. Me practicing the Ukulele is a de-spin. Me watching YouTube videos on Kerbal Space Program is an up-spin.
Breaks need to be a de-spin. Figure out what works for you.
My mom had a CD she would play when cleaning. My wife (who is Hispanic, I am as white as white can be, for the record) once showed me a video from Mexican Survival Guide where the mom started playing some music, and the kids (adult kids, but kids) freaked and one had to try and explain to the other that they had to escape via the window or they would be stuck cleaning all day (on a saturday!). (FOUND THE LINK!) Same idea, but less scary. I actually tried to use the same CD recently. It… sucked. Not my music, man. but it worked for Mom. She put it on and set it to Repeat (which, at the time, was a new feature. Ooooooh. But CDs were also new. So… meh.). And that helped her keep going with a good attitude. Find a playlist for cleaning. Actually. Make playlists for your daily needs. I have one called Morning Music. I start it when I get up, because I know I can’t track time. But I know this playlist backwards and forwards. I know that if I start it at 6am, I gotta be out the door 7 songs in, or whatever. It helps me track time externally without looking at the clock all the time. Make a different playlist for different events. Shower time, if not part of the morning routine. Cleaning. Lunchprep. Whatever.
I know this is long. Sorry. But I hope it helps.
I was 33/34 (I forget which right now) before being diagnosed. My dad ignored his diagnosis when he was late 30s (cause he is an ass. Also, when he started a med, it was the wrong med/dose, got jittery, and slapped my mom. Scared him. Stopped treatment forever.).
It wasn’t great, but we made it. You can make it. You really can. Is it ideal to get treatment, pharmaceutical or CBT, sure. But the secret ingredient to unlock is always you. YOU have the ability to CHOOSE. Build a scaffold of coping tools around your life. Post-it notes are acceptable. You know, if dishes are a problem, buy paper plates. Seriously. Explain to the spouse that it is part of how you are trying to keep things sane for them.
Also… show the hubby that you are trying. I did X, Y, and Z!
And hey, if needed, let hubby know that he can come here find Hearts and Brains who can help explain to him just how wonderful and unique his wife is, and what she might need from him to help her be successful. (Seriously. I’ll send a Discord invite if needed, and he can talk to my Heart Wife and I.)
Oh. Seriously last thing. Some Take-Home items from a guy who has studied this for like… 20 years or more. Good video. Recommend the whole 2 hour thing, but this short clip is the Practical part, not the Concept and Theory part.
Wow. @JudasTheHammer. Just… Wow!
… I hope a good wow?
I watched the housework music thing too. It wasn’t as good as your laundry game, though, I think because the music wasn’t upbeat enough for me to recognise it as housework music. Boney M works better in our house
But it did remind me of something my son said when he was about 3 years old.
Watching a video, he says ‘Postman Pat’s going home to do his housework!’
I was baffled. My son was insistent that Postman Pat had just said this to his cat, Jess. I rewound the tape. My son was triumphant. ‘See, I said so!’
What Pat had said was ‘Come on Jess, we’ve got to get a move on!’ - which is what I always said when we had visitors coming in x minutes or hours and was trying to get the house tidied up
Hey @Courtney_Gochenour, just checking in to see how you are doing.