Dude… hugs, man.
I’m sorry you’re in this place.
Depression is a stone cold bitch, and it sounds (reading between the lines) that maybe addiction (to seek stimulation?) is a part of this too?
I don’t have any answers, at least none that are not trite. I know that when I was there I ended up getting through it…
I couldn’t fix it. I couldn’t change it. I had to endure it. After the first go around in my adult life, I had that “aha” moment… It passes. It sucks, it takes time, there are small moments of joy I can have in that time before it crashes down again, and it feels like the life has been sucked out of everything… but it passes.
The next time I had that come into my life, I knew… It’s gonna suck. I’ll be miserable. I won’t care. My health will decline.
Until it passes.
Two years… and it passed.
Now my wife and I know more about what is going on, that I deal with ADHD, that emotional dis-regulation is thing, etc.
And when it comes through again, I now she is going to stand by me until it once again passes.
My dad gets it every fall. Not sure why. He gets grumpy and bitchy until about Christmas. But it passes.
I know it doesn’t feel like it. I know it’s probably been a loooong time you’ve been in this. But it is going to pass. I guarantee it. It may take meds, therapy, time, and a lot of work, but hold on to the hope that it will pass.
Also… @Samuelburns mentioned games…
If you are a PC Gamer, and can spare 20 bucks… May I recommend Kingdom: Two Crowns? It’s available on Steam (hit me up, I’m Hushai.) and it has a Co-op mode. Simple controls, side scrolling management/strategy, I like it. A bit buggy, but hotfixes are inbound. (Any one else wanna add me, feel free. Just DM me your handle.)
Maybe finding someone who can just chill with you as we lose ourselves into a simple game will help settle some stuff inside?