What to do with my mother?

Hello, it’s been a while since I’ve posted.

I am currently doing really good with healing and getting better at adulting and becoming more independant. That’s also what I’ve been doing: working on myself. But now there’s on blockage that’s driving me so mad that I am asking for some advice.

The blockage is my mother. Let me sketch the situation a bit.

I basically live on my own now together with my boyfriend and I’m currently working on gettinf back into society and work, earn my own money and all that. I’m working hard and everything is going pretty well. And then there’s mom. Mom is currently pretty much a toxic person to me.

The takedown is that she’s currently having tons of trouble letting me go. She’s not allowing me to become independant and tries to hold on and control as much as she can. The main reason for this is because of the healing process I’ve been through as well as the labels. I feel like mom still sees me as a broken person who’s basically disabled and not able to be independant. My labels don’t disable me at all. They jusr make me a little different from most others, which simply brings different challanges and also different positive things. And right now she’s really starting to hold me back.

I have recently developed my roots and been able to stand my ground against her whenever I don’t want something. And she’s clearly not having it. It made her give up. She’s nor attempting to contact me anymore. She refuses to help me with anything. She gave up. And it makes me extremely dissapointed. She acts extremely cold towards me now and I don’t deserve that.
I don’t contact her often because I genuinely currently find it difficult due to me healing a lot and putting all of my energy into myself. And with ADHD ofc also comes the out of sight out of mind thing. So it’s naturally more challanging for me to keep up with socializing. Now it’s even worse. And she knows that. Now every time that I’m doing super well and we come into contact, she immediately brings me 10 steps down from where I was. And I’m done with that. I am trying to heal and become an independant person and she’s nor allowing me to.

The most difficult part of it is that I am still dependant on her financially. My parents get foster care money for me and they’ve always spent it on me. That’s what they get it for cause they don’t het any child support for me. I am now 21 but foster care has been pushed for about another year. Me and my boyfriend can’t live only off of his money, so my parenrs give me the foster care money to help out wjth my costs. I am still building my way towards the ability to work and being able to earn my own money. I am also thinking of othrt ways yo earn money.

I have honestly been thinking about breaking the contact between us for a while. Its not forever, its just for a few months or maybr even 6 months. This for her to help her let me go and for me to be able to properly heal and develop. So in the end it’s the best for both of us.

The problem here is the financial situation I’m in. Cause I know she’s fully gonna ditch me, including the foster care money. And that, we can’t afford rn. But I’m completely fed up with her.

Do you guys havd any advice? I’ve really had it but I wanna do it right. I do love her. She’s still my mom.

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Welcome back . . .

Hmmmm . . .

Obviously, your situation is a tough one . . . And, of course being financial dependent on your parents . . . as you expressed, is a big obstacle!

Easy for me to make suggestions . . . But if I may . . .

Assuming that your parents continue to give you the foster care money, you know that is only for a limited period of time. Again very easy for me to say this, but if I were you my first priority would be to get training or schooling or employment with a career track . . . where the company or business would pay for either.

Just my 2 cents . . .

Best of luck and stick around if you care to . . .

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Thanks.

I am building my way back into society. And I mean being able to work again by that.

Because of all the crap I’ve been through I hit such a rock bottom that it’s taking long before I can get back to working. So we’re busy with that. I personally am also trying to find ways to earn some extra money and so is my boyfriend. So, we’re both trying everything in our power. But it’s very difficult. I can’t force my mind and body to go faster than they want to

I’m a parent of two adult children. My son, who just moved out (then came back again, then moved out again) within the last year. And my daughter, who moved out 11 years ago when she graduated from high school, but who needed to ask me for financial assistance recently.

I’m also a 47 year old son who had to move back in with my parents for most of the month of June this year.


My best advice here is: Love your mom!

First, try to separate you feelings for your mom from your feelings about the current situation.

Remember that you love her and she loves you. From all that you’ve written about her before, that’s what I’ve gleaned about your relationship. The relationship has been for most of your life. Your current situation has been much shorter time than that.

Secondly, about the current situation… Maybe talk to your foster care caseworker:

  • Tell them about what’s going on, the disconnect between you and your foster parents, and that they are not providing to you the financial support that is being provided to them to help you. - Do this to inform and to seek their feedback, not to try to get your foster parents
  • Ask about any other assistance that might help you with or direct you to… health care (mental health, too), job training programs, job placement programs, etc.

Third, realize that financial struggles will come with life. You and your boyfriend will figure this out, so be patient with yourselves and each other. Keep working on growing as individuals, encourage one another, listen to each other’s successes and struggles. Keep working building your skills and income, so that you won’t need assistance as much, and maybe someday soon you won’t need it anymore.

I have a feeling that in time, when your mom realized that you are doing alright, she will worry less and she will feel more assured that you can live a successful life your own way.

It’s going to take time, effort, energy, and commitment. It’s going to be difficult sometimes. But as one :brain: to another, I feel like you can do this!

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