This is mostly talking about my work or career. My personal relationships have stayed improved and for that I am happy. But my work has been dragging me down.
I was addicted a few times before. Cigarettes for example. I was able to quit after I got the right mindset about it. At first it felt terrible, then it was just a urge several times a day. It stayed that way for years. Now I don’t think about smoking.
This feels worse than that at times. I’ve been writing things down as much as possible. Feelings. Ideas. Ramblings. There are good days and bad days.
Will I always struggle with this?
Will I ever be able to rest?
Is there any way to achieve lasting satisfaction?
I feel like I’ve got a simple goal. That I don’t want too much out of myself. But it is the exception that I feel like I’m doing well at work. Everything is just around the corner. Just out of view. Not quite there yet.
Still having trouble working on stuff I don’t want to do. It shouldn’t matter what I want to do only what needs to be done. My conscious brain seems to be at odds with my subconscious brain. My subconscious isn’t thinking about the future at all just what feels good at the moment. My conscious brain is panicked to insanity and I’d like to murder my subconscious self to take total control over my life. To command myself to do what I want to be done damn my wants or feelings about it.
This is more often than not how my days go. I’m trying to augment my medication with CBT or something to try and gain an edge over this but I’m still floundering 6 out of 7 days a week. My overwhelming urge is to just be small, to vanish, to run away, to escape into virtual reality.
I’ve got to change locations … ending my rant here. Thanks for listening to me.