Worried of losing friends.

Hey guys, I have had the fear and worrie of losing some of my closes friends for as long as I can remember, but for the past few days it’s been going on over and over in my head that I said the wrong thing or I didnt explain what I meant correctly and I came off the wrong way. I keep going over and over in my head the conversations we had thinking I might have said something wrong. My friends are amazing, they are always there for me, our friendship is very strong, they understand me. There is a part of me that tells me every day that you are a burden, that I dont deserve amazing friends like them, one day your going to mess up and there friendship with you is going to change in a bad way, and it’s all going to be your fault. I know that my friendship with them is very strong and good, but just cant seem to get my brian to stop thinking that I’m going to mess everything up. I dont know if that makes sense. Anyone else feel that way sometimes if so any suggestions that helped you?

Thanks

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I have had similar thoughts, especially feeling that I don’t deserve friendships as good as they give. For those thoughts, I try to make sure to do what I can to be a good friend to them. I try to be active in reaching out to them, offering support when needed, and trying to make time together positive and engaging. It can be a challenge, because sometimes we do need support ourselves and we can feel guilty for asking for it or receiving it. That ties a lot to self esteem and/or depression. It’s important to remind yourself that you DO deserve healthy friendships and good people in your life. You are worthy, and you will continue to work to be a good friend.

As to feeling like you’ve done something wrong. You can always ask directly. They may know it’s coming from your anxiety and be able to reassure you. If you’re worried about a specific incident, you can state, “The other day this happened. I was wondering if it bothered/upset you or if you interpreted it like I did.” They will likely offer insight and help you do some reality testing. You can also try to go through and write down actual facts that you have that things aren’t going well. Usually we don’t have facts, but instead we have feelings. We FEEL that we did something wrong or that they’ll abandon us, but what FACTS do we have that show that they are planning to do that? Have they stopped messaging us? Have they told us they’re going to leave? Have they cancelled plans with us? Anxiety makes assumptions, and we have to do what we can to fight back.

I’m sure things are better than your fear will allow you to believe. Just keep trying to be a good friend, and reminding yourself that you deserve to have good people in your life.

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Thank you so much this was very helpful.

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Couple questions.

  1. Is this related to ADHD in some way?
  2. Is it because you feel like you don’t contribute value? Like you arent funny enough to hang out with? Or maybe insecure?
  3. Is there any evidence of this happening? Have you ever lost a friend and why?
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I was just passing by this forum to ask a question myself but I studied dating psychology for years which led me into other branches of psychology and sociology. It was just for fun but I stayed in the realm of social interaction. From everything I’ve seen in my life a LARGE portion of issues comes from value and insecurity. If you are giving value in social interactions or taking it. There is a weird stigma about improving yourself like if you admit you need to change then some how the core of who you are isn’t good enough. When in fact social skill is a learned study like math and science. All you need to do is put some time in. People who put effort in have more to talk about, they are funny and provide value that in turn makes people want to hang out with them.

If deep down you feel like you aren’t providing much value to friends; then maybe this is why you feel the way you do. Maybe you should take some time to learn about these kind things. How to be funnier, interesting conversation topics, hobbies to talk about. I used to be quiet shy and I taught myself how to be the life of the party and eventually become a promoter for a club in a major city. My job was literally to get people to like me so they would show up. Maybe the reason you feel this way stems from something else but I figure I would let you see the world through my eyes for a sec.

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This is related to ADHD and Anxiety. My friends and I get along great and we both put effort and value in our friendship. There isnt any signs that our friendship isnt going well. Its quite the opposite our friendship keeps getting stronger. Though my mind was trying to find and was so focused on something that wasn’t there. This week my mind was so focused that I might have said the wrong thing eventhough I didnt. I had a hard time to stop myself from overthinking it and start believing along with seeing the truth. I was finally able stop that overthinking and I see that our friendship is getting stronger.

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Yeah I can relate to overthinking. It feels like a black hole of thoughts. You think one negative thing, anxiety kicks in, then more, and more and more. My anxiety is very physical. I didn’t even know that’s what was. I went to the doctor because I thought my heart had problems. I got really good advice from a professional about how to stop this from happening. They said to put things in perspective. With me its about all the pressure on me. I have to stop and think… If I don’t get this done will anyone die? Will I lose my job? The answer is always no. My anxiety makes small things seem like they are world ending. Not sure if that helps but maybe when that worry starts to kick in, just make sure its proportionate to reality. If you know your friendship is good, and you start to worry. Think to yourself “should I really be freaking out this much about this?” Its easier said then done but after some practice I managed to get a hold of my thoughts. Still working on it to this day.

On top of that I worked on my personality so that I am entering, have great conversation topics and that gave me very high confidence because its based on something real. I have very little worries when it comes to friends or social connection do to everything I’ve learned.

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Thank you, this is helpful.

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