Yesterday I thought I did it all, but then I realized, I didn’t do much at all.
My sense of how the day was going, and afterwards how it went, was initially quite positive. I had managed to get my pills into me very early in the day, when I’m supposed to. I had gotten up a bit earlier than usual, and although I did take two power-naps through the course of the day, I was more alert and awakened than I expected, all day long. I wrote in my journal when I had planned to write in my journal, doing (among other writing) the “daily practice” exercises from Crappy Childhood Fairy which help me so much, as long as I don’t skip doing them. I wrote some of a short-story I had wanted to get started on. I looked at painting videos, arranged my paint box, got ready for going out for a plein air session (today). Finished the latest novel I’m reading, finished a bunch of silly errands, ate only high-protein and eschewed high-carbohydrate foods, got all my medicines onto my skin in the right places (for mild psoriasis and/or folliculitis). In the evening I went to the gym, had a good run, did some yoga and some core training. It was a day full of all the things I really wish I could manage to do on every day.
I actually have a list of things I can do “when I have free time to waste,” in order that I don’t waste free time. It has stuff on it like blowing up a beach ball (good for my asthma, and to prevent any emphysema, which runs in my family); or practicing scales on my chromatic harmonica; or reading a chapter in a novel; and so on. I was doing really well yesterday, spending all my time doing only those things. I didn’t play Solitaire on the internet for hours on end. I didn’t even play Web Sudoku on the internet for hours on end.
Then I realized … hey, this has been a productive day, happy, relatively stress free, BECAUSE I DIDN’T GO TO WORK. I had all this extra time in which I could … well … get myself COLLECTED so that I didn’t feel stressed. And then, because I didn’t feel stressed, and therefore I did feel collected, I didn’t feel the need to take a break from the hectic schedule by hiding out in playing internet Solitaire. I didn’t feel the need to unplug and run away from life. Instead, I did a bunch of good things FOR the betterment of my life. I was running TOWARDS life.
I liked it. It was a great feeling, of somehow having power over my own time instead of being the victim of time’s vagaries. Then I realized, I could only do this if I’m not working. I have so far made zero dollars and zero cents this entire year, because I have no job. I help out my parents, live with them, amble my way about the byways of life, don’t do anything “adult.” I can’t manage to hold down a job because it’s such a drain on my psyche, such an invasion of my sense of my own “right to be me.” I won’t be able to afford to just sponge off of mom and dad forever, and they will also run out of money as they get older and then pass away, so, I frankly HAVE TO manage to get an income somehow. I’m in my 50s, for heaven’s sakes! I could get a dang job, right? My own place? Don’t I want to “start adulting” like the rest of my peers?
No, I don’t think so. I don’t think I can handle it. It’s not that I’m emotionally immature – I don’t cheat people, or lie a lot, or try to get away with wrong acts; I don’t act rude, or have a weak grasp of social conventions (although we all make a blunder now and again); and so forth, in so many other senses I am not someone who is free-loading his way through life, acting more like a child than he really ought to act. But on the subject of income, work, regular attendance (or, ANY attendance) at a workplace, making money, having a job? Can’t do it.
So, I had a great day yesterday. It was absolutely normal. But all that this wonderfully normal day taught me was, that I can’t manage to have a normal day when I also have a job. And yet the job is the mandatory part, and the sense of happy wonderful normalcy is the optional part. So, am I going to have to give up on the happy and wonderful part just to participate in the job part? It makes me so sad …